Barack Obama yesterday celebrated his US presidential race victory by giving a stirring speech to his supporters.
The newly re-elected President electrified a huge crowd in his home-town Chicago last night, with a soaring speech about hope and change.
Obama used the speech to pay tribute to the thousands of volunteers who door-knocked, delivered pamphlets, and phoned uncommitted voters.
“Without your tireless work none of this would have been possible,” said Mr Obama.
“Without your mindless and uncritical support, a good man might have made it into the White House. Because of your efforts we can now proceed to Phase Two of the Global Caliphate Plan.
“To all you pawns who played a part in my sinister and despicable game, I say Allahu Akbar!”
Mr Obama said his first priority upon returning to Washington would be to try to bring warring factions together.
“There has been a lot of fighting, and a lot of disagreement during the last four years, and I want to work to bring it to an end,” said Obama.
“We must not allow partisan differences to distract us from the common purpose we all share. That is why tonight I am calling upon all Shia and Sunni Muslims to work together to achieve a worldwide terrorist empire, where decent white Christian folk are persecuted to their graves.
“To those of you whose internecine rivalries over how to interpret the Prophet’s sacred teachings have led to so much bloodshed, I urge you to join with me in driving every single Christian out of America.”
The President also sounded a note of caution, explaining that the road ahead would be long and filled with obstacles.
“They will fight us every step of the way, and we will suffer reversals along the way, but we must stay strong and focused.
“They may have righteousness and the power of Jesus Christ, and they may also have patriots like Clint Eastwood and Chuck Norris on their side. But we also have a potent weapon. We have duped the mainstream liberal media into believing our lies, and they will spread our blasphemies into every household in America.”
Mr Obama also laid out a number of specific policies to be implemented as a matter of priority.
“The first thing we need to do is bankrupt the nation, by taxing our wealth creators out of existence, and giving all their money to moochers and loafers, and to black people. This will drive up the national debt to the point where we are insolvent. Once our nation is up to its eyeballs in debt it will be much easier for Iran and Saudi Arabia to use their vast oil wealth to buy the US lock stock and barrel.”
Mr Obama promised a renewed focus on the economy.
“I have told the American people that I understand the pain they are going through. But I was obviously lying. Clearly, the only person who understands these things is a multi-millionaire businessman.
“But what I do understand is the thrill of power, and I intend to hold onto it. Our first target, therefore, must be to destroy my opponents by imposing Soviet-style socialism across the board. We will then go into the schools and force them to learn Marx and Mohammed, while teaching them the evils of capitalism, thus preserving the future of Muslin communism for generations to come.
“I will also ensure that scary-looking black people are moved into every neighbourhood, that same-sex marriage is made compulsory, and that millions of decent white people are fired from their jobs and replaced with unqualified immigrants.”
Obama also promised a changing focus in matters of foreign policy.
“We will begin to covertly arm Iran with nuclear technology, and then when Iran has nuclear weapons we will help them to target every major city in Israel, thus cleansing the Holy Land once more.
“I am also pleased to announce tonight that I have appointed Hugo Chavez as my chief foreign policy adviser.”
The President predicted a tough four years of change, but he said it would all be worth it in the end.
“There is much work to be done, comrades, but with your ongoing help we will reach the promised land.
“And when we get there we’re going to throw one heck of a party. The biggest, filthiest orgy the world has ever seen, where anything goes, and we’ll film it and force young children to watch it.”
Mr Obama finished the speech by shouting “God bless Kenya! God bless Stalin! Allahu Akbar!“