US President Ends Victory Celebrations As Crisis Looms

US President Barack Obama is facing his first crisis since being re-elected, after celebrity couple Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez announced they were breaking up.

The news has dampened spirits amongst Obama’s supporters, who had been celebrating his win on Tuesday night.

Mr Obama has cancelled any further victory celebrations and has returned to Washington for urgent briefings with his advisers. He is expected to use a live television appearance tonight to address the nation on the crisis.

News that Bieber and Gomez have decided to part is likely to bring further misery to parts of New York and New Jersey already devastated by Superstorm Sandy, and where clean-up efforts are ongoing.

Some areas affected by the storm are still without electricity, but the news is likely to spread to communities in those areas by the end of the week.

Experts say that the devastating news could give strength to America’s enemies, and they have urged Mr Obama to take urgent steps to either reconcile the couple, or make sure they are never seen in public again.

Israel has placed its military forces on high alert in case of attack from Iran, after Iran’s President Ahmadinejad claimed that the split proved American military power was a myth.

“If a mere Canadian boy can cause so much harm to this arrogant self-proclaimed superpower, then why do we continue to tolerate the provocations of its upstart Jewish ally?” Mr Ahmadinejad said on Iranian television.

North Korea has fired a missile into the Sea of Japan, and has promised “an apocalypse of fiery death” to any nation that takes steps to bring Bieber/Gomez news closer to its borders.

“You capitalists gloat about your so-called freedoms, but you will soon learn what those freedoms really mean as you find yourself trapped in an endless loop of ‘will they won’t they’ celebrity news speculation”, said an official spokesperson for the North Korean regime.

“We will obliterate from the Earth any nation that threatens the welfare of our peace-loving grass-eating citizens.”

Back at home critics are lining up to pin the blame for the disaster entirely on the President.

On Fox News last night, Sean Hannity, host of The Sean Hannity Show, said Obama had turned his back on the power couple.

“This happened on Obama’s watch,” said Mr Hannity. “He took his eye off the ball, and now entire communities will be struggling to cope.

“Haven’t the people of this country suffered enough? Americans are already feeling the pain over celebrity relationships. Obama promised he would make us safer, but it isn’t even safe to open a newspaper, read a magazine or go online.

“If this turns out to be anything like the reporting of the on-again off-again relationship between Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart, then may God have mercy on all our souls.”

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