Beling a blogger is kind of like being a God. I rule here, my word is law, and I will smite (with words) those who transgress.
So, for the sake of my personal vanity, it makes sense to formalise this little thing you (my reader) and I have got going on.
For that reason I am now requiring all of my readers to swear a covenant oath of loyalty and obedience to me. This oath is a solemn oath of commitment that is binding, enduring and unbreakable*. You covenant will be an irrevocable, undissolvable oath of commitment to me, your Imperator Father.
So let’s do this thing. Please repeat after me:
I stand here today in the presence of my computer to enter into this sacred covenant with my man of blog, my Imperator Father.
The fruit of your work is self-evident, although frankly quite patchy, and while your call and influence register barely a ripple across the blogosphere, I still think you’re worth the cash.
The requirements of readership are to give you obedience and honour at all times, to imitate you and follow your path and give you my loyalty and my strength.
I will in all conversation (although my conversational skills are lacking – why else would I spend so much time on this damned computer?) always speak of you, my Imperator Father, in a favourable and positive light. I will not post critical, rude or sarcastic comments about you, either on your site or on any other.
If I am honoured, either in the blogosphere or secularly, I will link to your site, because the Imperator Father craves attention and wants to move up the blog rankings.
I will always be respectful and honourable in your presence. Even though the Imperator Father is very sociable and open – remember who he is! I must never be in your face and must protect you from outsiders who attempt to do that.
If you, my Imperator Father, should be flamed or subjected to trollish attacks over the interwebs, I will fight for you, and will stand at your side.
I must ensure that the Imperator Father is honoured, cared for and given appropriate respect. The Imperator Father is a people person (ha ha ha!). Often it is better we offend others than you. Otherwise you may write something nasty in your blog.
I must feel the Imperator Father flow and be attentive to your thoughts and directions, which give unity and power to whatever pet hate you’re going off about at the time.
I must endorse what you, my Imperator Father, endorse, fully support what you promote and ensure that what you are involved in is supported and successful.
Whenever you, my Imperator Father, speak all other talking stops: I must give you my full attention. I must be careful not to cut in on you when you are speaking and ensure others don’t either.
I must not start talking or gesturing to somebody else while my Imperator Father is speaking.
I must never openly disagree with you, my Imperator Father, in front of others and must be careful not to become familiar with you, which can lead to even further contempt.
When you, my Imperator Father, enter a blog thread, I must acknowledge your presence. I may not post anything until after you have had your say and achieved whatever petty triumph you seek.
When you, my Imperator Father, post on your site, I will respond with positive comments, like “amen”, “that’s right” and “what he said”. This sort of participation will build an atmosphere that is conducive to people actually thinking you aren’t just some sad blogger.
I will print out all of your sermons to show how highly I value your words. I will take them to work, pin them on my lunchroom wall and tell all my workmates what a great guy you are. I will also provide details of your bank account to friends, and explain to them how much you appreciate donations.
I must never tolerate anyone (regardless of who they are) speaking or talking critically of you, my Imperator Father. I am not only to stop them in their tracks but warn them that they criticise me when they criticise you. I will smite those who disrespect you, but in a way that cannot be linked back to you, because you don’t want the bother of a policeman asking awkward questions.
I should celebrate your special times with surprises, like on birthdays, anniversaries and other special occasions. You tell me you like hard cash, preferably in large denominations. Nothing says “I respect and esteem you and your holy vision” like a wad of $50 notes. I must not wait for others to do it. It will be a sign of my love and respect for you. A gift means many things, but most of all will help you, my Imperator Father, pay for an upgrade to your beach house and maybe a nice new car.
I will hear all sorts of statements and opinions about my Imperator Father but must be prepared to ignore them and consistently hold you in the same high regard no matter what I hear. Beware of the tellers of wicked lies and even wickeder incovenient truths.
You are human, my Imperator Father, and make mistakes. My God, do you what! However, I must be prepared to defend against any problems arising out of your mistakes. It’s my problem when you screw up, which is frankly far too often for anyone’s good.
I must cushion the effect of a mistake on you and protect you. I must never intentionally expose your unbelievable number of weakness.
I understand that you, my Imperator Father, may discourage your spiritual sons from overtly honouring you (actually, fat chance that will happen), but that should never stop me from doing what is best for your bank balance.
To you, my Imperator Father, I pledge my allegiance, my faithfulness and loyalty. I pledge to serve whatever cause happens to be in your heart at any particular moment, and to finish that work until you get bored and start ranting about something else that’s pissing you off. Success to you and success to those who help you – for God helps those who help themselves.
Now don’t forget to send in those cheques!
* Just don’t get legal advice on that, please.