We have seen a number of Labour Party leadership polls these last few days, but none of them seem to be asking the right questions.
So instead of commissioning an expensive polling company and giving David Farrar another month of swanning around the world, I have decided to ask those questions myself.
Your opinion could be critical. Many of you aren’t Labour Party members, but this is one voting process you can participate in.
If you were on a small yacht on the Tasman Sea and bad weather suddenly struck, and the boat capsized and you were thrown into the water where instead of drowning you were rescued by a family of hyper-intelligent dolphins of a species never seen before by man, and if those dolphins then allowed you to ride on their backs before depositing you in shallow waters in Auckland Harbour, and if as you emerged wet from the water and relieved to be alive you were then mown down by a fool on a jet ski and then taken into hospital where you lingered in intensive care in a critical condition for days, before being moved to a general ward but suffering gruesome physical injuries from the jet ski collision, including the loss of your right leg and part of one arm, and if in that general ward the person in the bed next to you kept crying out in their sleep for Jesus to spare his or her soul from eternal damnation, and if as you tried to get to the bottom of your neighbour’s problems you discovered that he or she was a religious fanatic convinced that the world would soon be consumed by fire and that all but a lucky few would be consigned to the darkest pits of hell, and if as you told that person to get a grip he or she started to threaten you with physical violence, and if you then asked to be moved to another ward but were then arrested by police on suspicion of being involved in the Crewe murders, and if after a series of lengthy legal processes, including an aborted trial, a second trial, and numerous appeal processes you were pardoned by the Governor General and then given twelve million dollars to compensate you for your many lost years in jail, and if after your release and pardon you wrote a book about your experiences but were then arrested for the murder of David Bain’s family while on your book tour and then had to go through another lengthy series of legal processes before clearing your name, and if after a further pardon you got another fourteen million dollars in compensation and used that money to fund a Formula One motor racing team, only to discover that your money barely got you to the starting line, and if after being bankrupted when your team folded you ended up in the gutter, abandoned by your spouse or life partner and contemplating suicide, and if you then climbed to the top of the Auckland Harbour bridge but were talked down by a caring and understanding quantity surveyor who just happened to be passing at the time and saw what you were trying to do, and if you then vowed to devote your remaining years to running a farm for neglected Shetland ponies, only to become an assassination target when a shadowy Middle Eastern terror group mistook you for John Kerry, and if they blew your farm and all the horses on it to smithereens in an effort to get to you but you escaped because you were in town at the time at an appointment with your optometrist, and if upon returning to the farm to find everything destroyed you decided you’d had enough and then tried to blow your brains out with the German revolver your late grandfather brought home from World War Two, only to end up blowing half your face off but somehow still living, a maimed and miserable cripple with nothing left to live for except a new found passion for Irish folk dance, which of the three Labour leadership candidates would you ask to dance for you?