ACT MP Sir Roger Douglas was forced to apologise today after his Recipe to Grow the Economic Cake went disastrously wrong.

In case you missed it, here is Sir Roger’s recipe:

Yield: An equitable serving for all

Ingredients

2½ cup Productivity

1½ cup Fiscal Responsibility

1 cup Sound Infrastructure Investment

6 eggs Full of Savings

3/4 cup Free Trade

6 tablespoons of Choice in Health and
Education

2 teaspoons of Skilled Migration

1 teaspoon of Government

Ingredients for Icing

9 tablespoons Tax Cuts (more to taste)

7 oz sweet Economic Freedom

½ cup Entrepreneurial Spirit

Method

• Preheat economy oven

• Combine all ingredients liberally, taking care to restrain the amount of Government as too much will prevent the cake from rising and will create a bitter taste.

• Take a laissez-faire approach to cooking time, avoiding the temptation to adjust the settings.

• Once the cake has cooled, apply icing liberally.

• Enjoy the extra large servings – Bon Appetite!

Variations

• If you want a smaller cake as Labour delivered, increase Government expenditure, restrict trade, increase taxes and introduce Government central planning.

Douglas’s apology came after numerous people complained of uncontrollable poverty, social dislocation and severe pain to the finances.

“I got it wrong,” Sir Roger explained. “I mixed my recipes up. That was my Poverty Pie recipe. I hadn’t used it since some time back in the 1980s. I’m sorry if people didn’t like it.”

Sir Roger has now sworn to stay out of the economic kitchen. But he did let this reporter in on one of his other concoctions. “Rodney and the boys tell me this stuff is dynamite,” he said, speaking about his Special Economic Rat Poison formulation. “It kills almost everything. Apply this liberally to your country and I guarantee only the biggest meanest rats will be left alive.”

Sir Roger’s Special Economic Rat Poison

Yield: Generations of poverty and social upheaval

Ingredients:

4 cup discredited economic theories

1/2 cup tax cuts for the wealthy

5 cups of asset sales

3 heaped tablespoons of Choice in Health and Education (note: this ingredient is hard to find. It may also be known as “If You’re Rich Enough You Get Genuine Choice, but if You’re Poor then Tough Luck”)

500 gms of cuts to welfare

1 packet of mass unemployment

liberal doses of meanness

Method

Throw the ingredients together as quickly as you can. Speed is essential. Don’t worry if you get it wrong – you don’t have time to consult or check whether you’re doing it right.

When the toxic fumes are almost overpowering, let the mixture rest on a Round Table for a while.

Now your mixture is ready to use. Remember that the more you use the better the results will be.

Happy hunting!