A message from Sir Russell Coutts

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I want all New Zealanders to know how dismayed we at Team Oracle are at the decision by the international jury to dock us points on the eve of the America’s Cup.

We’re shocked. Shocked!

We’re being penalised for the actions of a few team members. Yes, that’s right, the whole team is being punished! This wouldn’t happen in any other sport.


Let me picture this in terms any New Zealand sports lover can understand.

Imagine it’s a tight Bledisloe Cup game, and the ABs are up by one point with half a minute left on the clock, with the Wallabies hot on attack in our 22.

Now let’s imagine that Richie McCaw goes for the ball and ends up in the back of the Australian ruck. The ref blows his whistle and tells McCaw he has infringed.

That’s where it would end. The ref would award a penalty against McCaw, and the Australians would have a shot at goal. If they get the goal they get three points against McCaw, but not against the All Blacks.

Don’t you see? In the rugby example, the only person penalised is McCaw, not his team. Even if the Australians kick the goal, the ABs still win.

Wait, wait, Larry is whispering something to me…

What? No way! Seriously?

Okay, so apparently Larry knows more about the rules of rugby than I do. Larry says that the three points would be awarded against the entire New Zealand team in the example I gave, not just against the infringing player.

But all that shows is how stupid rugby is as a sport.  It doesn’t disprove my point at all.

Take another team sport. Why not the biggest team sport in the world, football? If someone infringes in that game, they don’t punish the whole team, do they?

Hold on, Larry is saying something again…  Oh.  Well there must be some team sport… no?

Right, so this is a bit awkward. Can we rewind this?

Did I mention that Larry has billions and billions of dollars? Larry says that if we lose the America’s Cup he’ll tie everyone up in so much litigation that they’ll wish they had never been born.

Ever heard of Jarndyce v Jarndyce? Go on, Google it.

Are you sure you still want to win?

3 thoughts on “A message from Sir Russell Coutts

  1. I’m fairly convinced that if any court action goes against the “NZ” team, that nice Mr Key will pass legislation to reverse it and award “NZ” the cup thingy.

    • Akshually that situation would represent a massive moral dilemmar for the PM. Does he back Emirates Team New Zealand and cash in (again) on an initiative made by the last Labour government? Or does he go with his mate Larry and offer the cup as a sweetener in a deal to bring five jobs to an exciting new ICT hub which will be built on surplus TVNZ land?

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