Dear Sirs

Dear Watercare Services

I see from the news that our new mayor Wayne Brown has commanded you to cease all work on the Three Waters reforms.

The purpose of this letter is to command you to disregard all orders received from Mr Brown. You work for me now.

Please confirm receipt of this command.

Yours sincerely

Etc. etc.


Dear Ports of Auckland

I note that our new mayor Wayne Brown has written demanding that you make major changes to your operations.

I personally agree with much of what Brown wants POA to do. It would be great to see a better use of waterfront land than the storage of containers and imported cars.

But Mr Brown has forgotten that he is merely one member of the Auckland Council, and that key strategic decisions should be voted on by councillors. It is completely undemocratic for just one person to issue commands the way that he has.

Therefore, you are instructed to ignore all further mayoral missives, unless they have been approved by me in writing. All your port are belong to me now.

Yours with menace



To the Board of Eke Panuku

I see that Wayne Brown has told you all to resign. The cheek of some people. How very dare he!

Who made Wayne Brown king? Did I miss a royal coronation?

You will stay exactly where you are. Don’t even move!

By royal command

His Majesty etc. etc.


Dear Wayne Brown

Thank you for your application to be mayor of Auckland City.

We received a large number of applications for this role. Yours was certainly one of the stronger applications*, and we appreciate the effort you made to get this far.

Unfortunately, although you received the most votes of any candidate, we have decided not to proceed with your mayoralty. We feel that your autocratic style is not aligned with our values of inclusiveness, collaboration and co-operation, and plus we don’t really like you, you silly old man.

We will keep your application on file for subsequent elections, in case you turn out to be the least-bad option in the future.  God help us all should that happen.

I wish you all the very best with your future mayoring.

Yours unlovingly


* Who the fuck are some of these people? What, wait, John Palino?


Dear Wayne Brown

I write to you in regard to my letter of earlier today.

It appears that there may have been a misunderstanding at this end. It turns out that you have already been elected as mayor of Auckland. So in fact your application was a success. Accordingly, allow me to apologise for any confusion my earlier letter may have caused. Oh, and congratulations on your victory! Really well done!

This letter is to inform you that you are hereby dismissed as mayor with immediate effect. It is true that I have no more authority to fire you than you have to dismiss Council staff or oust CCO board members. So I am sure you will not cause a fuss.

Thank you for your short service. A damning reference will be provided on request.

Yours insincerely