A guest post by SS Obergruppenführer Erich von Knuff

When it comes to other people, I’m a tolerant and patient man. Let people have their say, is what I say. I’m more than happy to sit through the screams of pain, the pleas for mercy, even the whimpering and blubbering, if in the end I get the information I want.

But if there’s one thing I can’t tolerate, it’s being called a Nazi. It’s such a lazy term to chuck at your opponents, and yet it sticks like mud.

I’ve lost track of the number of times I’ve been called a Nazi. It’s such a hateful term. Do you have any idea how much it hurts? The pain it causes?

And for what? What have I or any of my people ever done to deserve this label? And don’t even mention the invasion of Poland. Granted, a few excitable men may have crossed the border firing their weapons. But are you going to damn an entire movement over the actions of a mere million and a half soldiers?

Every movement will have its bad apples, and we are no different. The current batch of bad Nazi apples is just an anomaly, a very big anomaly. But you know what they say? When life brings you bad apples, shoot everyone. Ha ha, my little joke. You see, we National Socialists can be very jolly people. So surely we can’t all be bad.

Ask yourself who benefits from labelling us as Nazis. It’s the Poles, the British and the French. If you want to find the real Nazis, you should start with them. They’re the ones trying to stop us from expressing our political opinions. Look at all their guns! Isn’t the suppression of political expression the very definition of fascism?

We National Socialists are actually a very inclusive political movement. We don’t discriminate on the grounds of race, sexual preference or political opinion, unless you are going to hold against us the fact that we hate Jews, black people, communists, the LGBTQ community, and anyone who is not of the pure white Aryan race. Our inclusive message is one of death. Death for all of you. And your lands are now part of our glorious German Reich. How much more inclusive can we be?

It hurts like hell to be called a Nazi, when all we are doing is trying to preserve our way of life and the people we care for. Driving around in tanks, waving swastika flags and yelling Heil Hitler doesn’t make someone a Nazi. Nor does exterminating ethnic populations, shooting civilians and bombing cities. That’s just a hateful label our political opponents want you to use, so they can justify their own disgusting actions against us. Some of our people have even been shot at. But we’re the Nazis now? Give me a break!

It’s true that a number of actual Nazis may have attended some of our events. But we can’t keep track of everyone who comes to our Nuremberg rallies. How would that even work? What would you have us do? Stop all public events? But if we can no longer express our political opinions, or hold rallies demanding the death of all Jews, won’t the Nazis win?

As a society we must be able to engage in mature debate with our opponents about important political issues, without the need to resort to these petty insults. Let’s have a genuine contest of ideas! But afterwards, please don’t be surprised if I shoot you.

Forget everything you have heard about us, because it’s totally wrong. We’re not the bad guys here. We just came to Warsaw for the Pierogi, and I hear the vodka is also very good. I assure you there will be extreme consequences if it is not.