Vladimir Putin (source: http://www.kremlin.ru)

I send warm greetings to you decadent and morally corrupt Western perverts.

Was not Winter Olympics most wonderful event? As Russian, I am very proud of my nation’s efforts in staging such magnificent event. Not only do we top the medal table, but we also stop homosexuals from ruining event.

But it is not Olympics I wish talk to you about today.

I hear very many complaints from West about Russia’s actions against Ukraine, including seizing Crimea and other areas.

At first I am “ha ha! What America and West going to do about this, Mr Obama?” I am thinking West can do nothing about Russia’s actions.

Nothing at all. You send men to stop me? Excuse me while I laugh. Sanctions? You do not dare. So you talk big words and shake fingers at me, telling me off like I am some naughty schoolboy.

And what of America’s many time invasions of peaceful countries? Are you saying this is okay for America, but not for Russia? Ukraine is on our borders, and many Russians live there. I will act to protect them and to ensure stability of region.

You may not like Russia’s actions, but what exactly will you do about them? The wringing of the hands and the many times saying loudly of “something must be done!” is all you have to offer, it seems to me. Will you send soldiers and tanks to stop me? I think not.

These are all the things I was thinking yesterday. Now, today, I am not so sure. This morning, ambassador from New Zealand phones me and says we have problems. Today I learn New Zealand government has issued strongly worded statement expressing dismay at Russia’s actions.

At first I am thinking “Pah! Why should I care what government of tiny country think?” Then I remember New Zealand is brawling above its weight in international affairs. Now I am wondering if angry New Zealand really what I need right now. What if they come for me?

Russia has huge army, many tanks, a vast navy and air force, and nuclear weapons. But New Zealand has something much more frightening. New Zealand has Willie Apiata. What if this Mr Key send Willie Apiata to get me?

So to all you decadent and morally corrupt Western perverts, let me assure you that Russia means no trouble. I have sent withdrawal orders to my armies, and we will be gone from Ukraine by midnight tonight.

I am very sorry for trouble caused, especially to little nation in South Pacific that smashing others more than its own weight.