The recent New Zealand First conference was an exciting event for all who could remember attending. Party members enjoyed the free tea and biscuits, and most of them managed to find time for a nice nap.
But the conference also saw the release of a number of bold new policies. Here’s a summary of the main ones.
Tax policy
Key household food items to be exempt from GST: tea, anything that is eaten mashed, and anything served with gravy.
All ethnic foods to attract a GST rate of 1000%
Justice
A new range of offences to be introduced:
- anyone caught walking on your lawn without your permission
- being a drunken nuisance in public without being an NZ First MP
- questioning Winston
- being a Chinaman without lawful excuse.
Home owners will be allowed to shoot to kill during home invasions or burglaries, and when their neighbours play the stereo too loud.
Race relations
An end to Maori entitlement when it comes to the allocation of justice and health system resources. Our prisons, diabetes clinics and cancer wards are for all New Zealanders, not just an elite privileged group.
Social issues
Young people will:
- be made to pull their pants up
- be forced to undergo compulsory military training
- be made to get a respectable job in a bank or accountant’s office
- then be abolished.
Economy
The government to buy back all assets sold off by National, including Mighty River Power, Meridian, Genesis, and the Reserve Bank.
Science and technology
A Royal Commission to be established to investigate the internet: what it is, and whether it should be abolished.
Immigration
Johnny Foreigner to be told to go back to Wogistan, or wherever it is you funny looking people come from.
The Arts
A Commissioner for the Arts to be appointed. The Commissioner to have the power to seize and destroy any work of art he/she deems to be too arty-farty.
Education
Typewriters in all schools by 2025.
A new school curriculum will focus on the three “R”s: Reading, Writing, and Rambling on about how things were different back when I was growing up, we had it tough you know, and people used to show respect, but nowadays they’re all so busy texting and with their Facebook and Twitter, I can’t see the point of it all, and no-one even speaks English when you go into your corner dairy, and when you ring the phone company you end up being transferred to someone in Timbuktu, and I just want a bloody coffee with milk, is that too much to ask for?
Imperator Fish 