A plea to John Key’s government

Dear National I appreciate that a lot of people like what you’re doing, and that there is little effective or organised opposition to your rule.But could you please be just a bit less evil? Thank you. Yours sincerelyA concerned citizen Advertisements

Bennett announces drought relief get-tough measures

The government has announced a range of new measures targeting recipients of state assistance. Social Development Minister Paula Bennett announced today that those seeking assistance under the government’s drought relief scheme would be required to submit to mandatory drug tests, and to show evidence that they were actively looking for alternative sources of income.Farmers would…

Bennett Announces Welfare Crackdown

People of Swedish descent who engage in acts of treason while dressed as nuns will no longer be eligible to receive welfare, Social Development Minister Paula Bennett announced today. Paul Bennett said official Treasury figures showed that the annual cost of providing welfare to people with Nordic backgrounds convicted of acts of treason while wearing…

Right Thinking: My Timeshare Plan

Everyone’s favourite authoritarian libertarian is back. The French have this week again made us wonder why we bothered to liberate them in 1944. They have elected a socialist President, and it seems now that they don’t want to take their much-needed austerity medicine. When I think of all the sacrifices past generations have made in…

More Blog Cheating

(Because I’m on holiday and am too lazy to blog properly, I may for a while be content just to repost some of the stuff I wrote earlier in the year. Bad luck, old chap) The Leaked Welfare Working Group Recommendations  21 February 2011 Dear John and Bill We’ve finished our work and the report…

Fake Paul Holmes Column A Masterpiece

I don’t consider myself the envious type, but there’s a part of me that hurts when I see the good work other people are producing. I’ve tried my hand at satire, but it’s pretty clear I’ll never be able to match it with the top players. So maybe I’ll just quit. This revelation came to…

The Leaked Welfare Working Group Recommendations

Dear John and Bill We’ve finished our work and the report is on its way. We have considered none some much all of the most reliable evidence on the causes of welfare dependency and how welfare reform can be best achieved. Our three main recommendations are set out in detail below. I thought I’d give…

Right Thinking: Sorry

Dr. Frank Shizenhausen’s latest post shows that even hard-hitting and searing columnists can cross the line Yesterday I wrote a post suggesting that beneficiaries should turn to prostitution and crime to supplement their incomes, rather than rely on food bank handouts. I was wrong and I unreservedly apologise. I know a lot of drug dealers, pimps, petty…

Beneficiaries Lament The End Of The Dream

Welfare beneficiaries around the country were in shock and mourning today, after Social Development Minister Paula Bennett announced “the dream is over”. Former bricklayer and now long-term unemployed man Chas “The Jazz” Murray was one of those struggling to cope with the news. “Man I had it sweet, bro. I had the dream beneficiary lifestyle.…