Right Thinking: My Timeshare Plan

Everyone’s favourite authoritarian libertarian is back.

The French have this week again made us wonder why we bothered to liberate them in 1944. They have elected a socialist President, and it seems now that they don’t want to take their much-needed austerity medicine.

When I think of all the sacrifices past generations have made in the name of democracy, the actions of the French people make me wonder if those sacrifices were all in vain. If the election of someone I don’t like is democracy in action, then it’s time for us to all agree that democracy has failed.

New Zealand’s version of democracy is little better than the French one. We seem content to throw idiotic amounts of money at welfare beneficiaries, but then put rules in place to make it difficult for decent hard-working forgetful politicians to receive secret donations from German internet millionaires in trouble with the law.

It’s ridiculous. If we are to live in a free society then we must ensure that the marketplace for ideas remains an open one. This is why I don’t have a problem if people want to spend money to acquire political influence, because you can’t have a marketplace unless people are selling. More importantly, if people were allowed to openly buy politicians we would see a lot more business-friendly policies coming out of government. Those lefties are so lousy with money that they’d never be able to compete in any bidding process.

On the subject of lousy things, and lice generally, a word here about beneficiaries. I am deeply concerned about the government’s plans to give beneficiaries free contraception. My concern is not that as a libertarian I object to the government attempting to exercise coercion over peoples’ reproductive choices. I’m only a libertarian on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays. The rest of the week I’m content to judge others for their many moral failings.

Let me tell you why I object. It’s a dumb idea because of the cost, and because everyone knows that if you create a system that gives poor people access to free stuff they’ll abuse that system. Mark my words, before you know it these bludgers will be taking in boxes of the stuff, melting it down to turn it into P.

“But you can’t turn the Pill into P”, I can almost hear you laughing. Laugh away then. You won’t be laughing when a solo mother and her thirty drug-crazed kids born to ten different fathers are running towards you wielding machetes and samurai swords. Just don’t bother calling me for help, and don’t expect the taxpayer to pay for your hospitalisation.

If we’re going to give birth control to these people (and I hesitate to use the word “people” to describe this particular class of creature), let’s at least make it compulsory.  Force the stuff down their throats and tie their legs together. If they don’t like it, then they can go off the benefit. There are always alternatives to welfare, and if these women are so determined to spend their days on their backs, they can go and monetise their skills. I will always respect a woman who understands her own worth.

But why are we not making better use of our beneficiaries? We have tens of thousands of them, and they could be working for us, the taxpayer. Instead we give them free money and expect nothing in return. Well here’s an idea: as a taxpayer* I ought to be entitled to some labour from these folk. We ought to expect an eight hour day from these bludgers, so lets divide them up among the taxpayers and put them to work. I’m thinking about a timeshare system where I get to do what I want with a bludger for maybe two or three weeks in a year. I have a garden that needs to be dug out, a set of shelves that needs to be put up in the spare room, and a host of unusual sensual needs that my regular therapist just isn’t comfortable with satisfying.

If that idea is just a little too radical for you, then here’s another: why don’t we sell the lot of them to the Chinese? They seem to be keen on buying up all our farms, so lets throw in some human livestock to sweeten the deal. I’m not so sure about milking beneficiaries, though. I can’t imagine there would be much of a market for it. Nor can I imagine they would get much good meat out of one of those drug-addled wastrels.

No, don’t start feeling all sorry for beneficiaries. Being battery farmed, milked, skinned or processed is more than most of them deserve. Let’s not forget that each and every one of them chose to end up on welfare. Whether they chose to be made redundant or to be born to parents with few life skills, or chose as children not to be educated and to surround themselves with poor role models, these bludgers are the authors of their own misfortune.

That’s why I refuse to have any sympathy for any of them. Why should the taxpayer have to pay for the mistakes of a five-year old who wouldn’t exercise wise lifestyle choices based on long-term rational self-interest?

* Hypothetically. My portfolio of trusts and offshore companies allows me to avoid all income tax.