Swine Flu – Are We All Going to Die?

And Who Will We Blame?

We’re now approaching week two of the Swine Flu story. So what better time to take stock of where we are at and what to expect from here?

Are we all going to die?

No. Not even the most pessimistic of the numerous experts wheeled before us has predicted the demise of the human race. At least some of us will survive to live a desperate Mad Max existence as our civilisation crumbles into nothing.

The rest of us will die.

Who will we blame?

Those few pitiful survivors will need to hold someone responsible for the catastrophe. I’ve decided to put together a list of suspects. I’ll reveal the true culprit at the end, and you may be shocked to find out who is to blame.

1. The Government?

Our elected representatives should always be the first people we blame in any crisis, but in this case even the politicians are running scared.

Environment Minister Nick Smith was in isolation after developing flu-like symptoms, but tests showed he did not have the dreaded pig-plague. Mr Smith has been isolated from reality for most of his political career, so he was apparently not greatly inconvenienced.

And this story about swine flu possibly decimating the ranks of the Government deserves an award for being one of the most amusing headlines of the year.

In conclusion, we can’t blame the Government for this.

2. Graeme Henry?

learly this man is used to being the whipping boy for an enraged public. Who can forget Cardiff 2007?

So Mr Henry is well qualified to take the heat for this porcine plague.

On the other hand, he’s clearly not gone anywhere near Mexico, so we must reluctantly look for someone else to cast our stones at.

But, Mr Henry, if the ABs fail this year we may just take another look.<

3. God?

To blame God we must assume that God exists. Should we make that assumption? Rather than engage in a debate about His existence, let’s just channel our rage towards His followers.

4. The Jews?

We can’t blame the Jews for this one, because they don’t eat pork. It’s a pity, because they’ve been convenient scapegoats for years.

5. The Muslims?

See #4 above.

6. The Christians?

Well they eat pork, so that’s a good start.

On the other hand, most Mexicans are Christians, and the flu has hit that country especially hard.

So no, we can’t blame the Christians. Which is a pity, because I so wanted to pin this one on the Pope and his followers.

7. The Reptilian Illuminati?

David Icke has revealed the shocking truth that a secret society of reptilian men rule over us. Like all true prophets he chose the Wogan Show to first make these startling claims.

This reptile elite controls the British Royal Family, the Vatican and, of course, the US presidency. So a spot of pig sickness wouldn’t be beyond these evil manipulators of reality.

So a strong contender, unless we can find someone better.

8. The Mexicans?

Well it did originate in Mexico, and though the poor people of Mexico seem to be the worst hit, the pigs were Mexican ones. Have we found our winner? Wait and see…

9. Helen Clark?

Anyone who reads Kiwiblog or Herald’s Your Views knows that Helen Clark’s devious hand lurks behind every despicable thing to have occurred in New Zealand for the last 20 years. Dig deep enough and you’ll find evidence that Suzie was acting on Clark’s instructions, that the global recession is her doing, and that secret death camps have been established on Stewart Island to dispose of dissenters.

Now Clark has been given a global role as head of a major UN agency. Is it any coincidence that even as she took the job a plague began to sweep the planet?

No, no, no. None of the above fit the profile, as dastardly as they may be. So here is the true villain.

And the culprit is…

Jason Gunn

Okay, so this might be a stretch, but the guy just irritates me.

Ask yourself this, though. Wheel of Fortune has just been canned. Why? Does Jason know something we don’t? Like, for example, that nobody will be watching the show once the pig flu takes us all?

That’s all the evidence I need.