Various parts of the country are in drought, and the situation is only going to get worse.

Surely something can be done. Why isn’t John Key making it rain? If everything he touches turns to gold, surely he can arrange for a bit of rainfall over these parched lands.

Now I know exactly what you’re thinking. How the hell can Key force the heavens to open? He may be beloved of the people, but he’s not God.

See, that’s the problem with our having such closed minds. The answer is out there, and the answer is this: Indigenous Weather Modification.

Say what, you ask?

The practice of weather modification, like weather prediction, began countless millennia before the rise of Western civilization. Traditional WM methods were utilized in many parts of the world by various Indigenous peoples and continue to be performed today.

What is already an ancient custom may well become “tomorrow’s technology” in the West. This is not unusual as many Western concepts, values, products and skills have actually been “borrowed” from non-Western sources.

An understanding of traditional WM technology requires knowledge of at least some of the general features of the Indigenous worldview which, in many respects, has long been diametrically opposed to the Western version. That is, until recently. At last, Western science is beginning to acknowledge fundamental errors in its view of reality and nature and to concede the wisdom of the Indigenous perspective. Some eminent Western scientists have realized this fact and acknowledged it in various ways.

These indigenous techniques include the methods adopted by shamans in Africa, who use the power of the mind, psychic energy and aliens to induce rainfall. In other parts of the world powerful rain-dances can open the heavens.

This is not quackery, but pure science. Unfortunately, the exact methods used to induce rain must remain a trade secret. This knowledge is so powerful that, were it to fall into the wrong hands, terrible harm could be inflicted upon humanity. So when I say it works you’ll just have to believe me.

The man behind Indigenous Weather Modification, John Porter, is typical of visionaries. The authorities won’t take him seriously, even though he has the solution to our frequent lack of rainfall. So he has to suffer the indignity of being ridiculed and ignored. When people respond to his claims by saying “okay then, prove you can make it rain – make it rain tomorrow afternoon,” they insult and degrade his work.

But that’s the difficulty visionaries like Porter face when they are forced to deal with people who think solely in terms of a Western scientific viewpoint. Evidence is such a culturally imperialistic notion.

We know the rain can be made to fall, and all it requires is a large sum of money to be transferred to certain people in order for this to happen (to cover all necessary expenses etc etc).

So get off your arse, John Key, and make it rain.

And while you’re at it, shouldn’t you be giving Porter and his iwi the atmosphere too? It would be in good hands.