A brief history of the Labour Party

Labour 16

October 2008

When the voters learn what we know about John Key – or what we will soon know once Mike Williams returns from Melbourne – they will be appalled. We now know what the H in H-Fee stands for. It’s “Hasta la vista, baby!”

July 2009

The honeymoon is finally over. John Key is an empty vessel, a man without any convictions, a rich prick who will say anything to be elected. We are in the midst of a global financial crisis, but let’s focus on issues of character and integrity, and not allow ourselves to be distracted by all that other stuff.

August 2011

The honeymoon is finally over. There is a mood of change in the air. The public are falling out of love with John Key. Everywhere I go people tell me they think John Key is an untrustworthy unprincipled swine. His lies are finally coming back to haunt him. This could be the turning point!

January 2013

The honeymoon is finally, finally over. People are finally seeing John Key for what he is – an entitled member of the 1%. We need to double down on our strategy of relentlessly attacking the Prime Minister at every opportunity. If we absolutely must mention jobs, the economy or housing, let’s do so in a way that frames John Key as being uncaring and in the pay of big business. We can’t afford for our ideas to stand on their own merits.

September 2014

These dirty politics allegations are shocking, and they reveal to all the world the true nature of John Key and his nasty attack machine. This will be hugely damaging to Key’s reputation. Ordinary New Zealanders will be disgusted at this behaviour. It’s time to ramp up our attacks on Key and his associations with the Dirty Politics crew. I sincerely believe that this scandal will be completely game-changing. This election is anyone’s to win! Oh, and I suppose we could throw in the odd mention about how stuffed our economy is, if there’s enough time.

April 2015

These ponytail-pulling allegations are dynamite. They speak volumes about the character of the man in charge of our country. John Key has lost it. There’s no coming back from this. He’s completely lost the female vote. Watch as his support slowly ebbs away. Target all fire on the PM!

May 2016

This Panama Papers business is alarming, but it’s also the opportunity we’ve all been waiting for. John Key is super wealthy, and we don’t like him, so it stands to reason that he must be up to his neck in all of this. Quick, type his name into the database! Nothing? No, there must be some mistake. Try again. Again, damn you! Well, not to worry. He must use a different Panamanian law firm. He’s still a smug rich prick, and that’s what counts. That’s the message we need to ensure the voters take out of this.

September 2021

The economy is in a downwards spiral, the world dairy market has collapsed, and global warming and a series of natural disasters have devastated the country. But politically I feel as if we have turned a corner. People are finally focusing on how out of touch John Key is. We just need to drive the message home. Dig up everything you can on the guy. Do we know anyone who knew him at school? Did he steal anyone’s lunch money? Did he ever get a detention? Could there be some connection between John Key and Bernie Madoff that we haven’t yet uncovered? Let’s leave no stone unturned this time, guys. Let’s give our leader some powerful ammunition. She needs something to throw at Key during Question Time today.

April 2027

Our new leader really got some blows in during Question Time today. I’ve not seen any of our 23 leaders since Helen Clark land so many punches. He had Key floundering when he asked about Key’s association with the guy who knew a guy who knew a guy who got done for tax evasion back in the 1980s. I reckon we might just have picked up a few votes today from all the people who follow Parliamentary proceedings, or at least the three of them who aren’t fiercely partisan in their party loyalties.

June 2042

We’ve got Key on the ropes this time. He really is demonstrating to the public how out of touch he is, and who he is really working for. The public won’t stand for this. The honeymoon is finally over!

February 2044

If Prime Minister Key has a weak spot, it’s his lack of integrity and his fundamental dishonesty. That’s where we need to focus our attentions.

His father John was just the same.

8 thoughts on “A brief history of the Labour Party

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  3. You’ve captured all the nuances of Labour’s strategy except possibly the master-stroke of having the party leader chosen by those most out of touch with real world politics. Genius.

  4. Who is the leader of the Labour Party? Is his (or her) invisibility an Art of War strategy where an enemy is subdued without fighting or a Biblical move, you know, where the meek inherit the earth (if that’s alright with everyone else).

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