keep-calm-and-bugger-europeA guest post from Brexit campaigner and Tory MP Sir Neville Twaddles

Fellow Britons, your nation needs you!

For decades we have laboured under the yoke of European tyranny. It’s the sort of tyranny that people might not notice at first, as they enjoy the ease of travel, stability, peace and all the other superficially nice things that membership of a broader European community has given them. But that’s because people don’t remember what Britain was like before we joined the EU. They don’t remember what a paradise we were before the Eurocrats came over and crashed our party.

This week we get the chance to take our country back. We have the opportunity to tell those flashy continental types to sod off and leave us alone, to stop trying to take our country off us. Let’s not squander this wonderful chance we have to tell the rest of Europe to go to hell.

For centuries the Europeans have worked hard to destroy us, to drag us down to their level. And it has never worked! There was a French fellow a while back who thought he could push us around, but we saw his lot off at Trafalgar and Waterloo. It’s the same with the Germans. They threw everything at us in two world wars, and without success. Having failed to defeat our brave boys on the field of battle, our enemies are now working together to tie us up in regulation and red tape. Don’t let them!

And don’t listen to those who would claim that our EU membership is good for Britain. What have we got to show for our EU membership, apart from decades of peace in Europe, economic growth, prosperity and stability? Old enmities have been forgotten, borders have been opened, and we have embraced old foes in the spirit of friendship and union. What the hell were we thinking?

We were a great nation once, before we joined the EU. Britannia ruled the waves, but now we don’t even own an aircraft carrier. We have almost no overseas territories, and we have even abandoned our historic claim to the French throne. For centuries we would send our boys across the English Channel to slaughter, loot and burn, but now we have no official enemies in Europe. How will we test the bravery and pluck of our boys if we can’t give old Froggie or Fritz a good bashing now and then? By god, all this peace and stability has unmanned us!

We don’t need Europe. What are these Europeans even for? What have they ever managed to achieve? When it comes to great thinkers and intellectuals, they may have had Voltaire, Proust, Kant and Rousseau. But we have Peter Hitchens, Piers Morgan and Katie Hopkins. Sure, Beethoven, Bach and Mozart could write a ditty or two, but I still prefer One Direction and Robbie Williams. As for the so-called delights of European cuisine and fine wine, I’d much rather have a plate of bangers and mash and a pint of bitter.

The Greeks may have invented democracy, but we invented the Robin Reliant. The Roman Empire may have lasted centuries, but so has Coronation Street. They may have had the Caesars, but we have the Barlows. For all the so-called achievements of our continental neighbours over the centuries, they never managed to produce an Ant or a Dec.

Fears of an economic downturn in the event of a Brexit are unfounded. When finally we throw off the European yoke, we will send our diplomats back to the Continent and they will lay out our many and varied demands. A Britain no longer subservient to Brussels will be a force to reckon with, and those spineless bureaucrats will have no choice but to give us everything we want. No longer will our elderly folk live in the south of Spain at the sufferance of Spanish authorities. With our once again mighty Royal Navy we will annex the Costa del Sol, and turn the Mediterranean into a British lake. We will be the dominant power in Europe once more, and the dastardly French and the perfidious Germans won’t dare to impose trade barriers in the way of our superior British goods and services.

And perhaps the best thing of all is that we’ll be able to keep all those awful foreigners out.

So vote Leave this Thursday.  Say no to Europe and yes to a Greater Britain.

Rule, Britannia! Britannia, rule the waves
Britons never, never, never shall be slaves!