We can help

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The government has offered to send some of our seasoned trade negotiators to help Britain, as that country tries to extract itself from the European Union.

I’m sure this gesture will be greatly appreciated by the British. Our negotiators are amongst the toughest in the world. Take our recent TTP negotiations as an example. Here’s an illustration of how hard-nosed they were:

New Zealand: We would like our dairy industry to have better access to your markets.

US, Canada and others: Get lost, pipsqueak.

New Zealand: Now that’s just not fair. Be reasonable.

US, Canada and others: No.

New Zealand: We’re not leaving until we have a deal!

US, Canada and others: Fuck off.

New Zealand: Um… okay. But we’re not happy about this.

US, Canada and others: Why are you still here?

I’m sure the UK will welcome our assistance here. But there may be other things we can do to help our friends in need. Here are a few suggestions:

Flag designers: The UK is likely to break up as the Scots look to stay in the EU, and who knows what Northern Ireland will do? So England and Wales and whoever stays with them will need a new flag. We have some fantastic expertise when it comes to running a flawless flag design and selection process, as well as some compelling tea-towel designs for people to choose from. Let’s put Kyle Lockwood on a plane to Heathrow right now.


Football skills: We’re so shit at this sport that many people here still call it soccer. Our men’s national team is currently ranked 147 in the world. But not even they have lost to Iceland. Let’s send our very best coaches to England to teach them how to pass, kick, dribble and score goals.

Political skills: Poor old UK Labour. The vast majority of UK Labour’s MPs can’t stand Jeremy Corbyn, and it’s all a huge right-wing conspiracy organised by Tony Blair and his Illuminati buddies, and nothing to do with any failings Corbyn may have as a leader. It’s now open warfare between the parliamentary wing of the party and the membership, and the fruits of this bloody battle will be a stronger party that spends the next generation in power, and we shall call them the Conservatives. To make sure this happens we should send a few of our own keyboard warriors from the left to help fuel the debate about who is more on the left and who in the party is the biggest enemy. I have a list of names here, and I will happily escort these people to the airport.

A film trilogy: Our British brethren will be down in the dumps and will need something to distract them from the terrible mess they now find themselves in. What about a spot of cinema? Someone is going to make a film about the whole Brexit business, so why not a Kiwi? Britain now needs to extricate itself from the EU while negotiating an arrangement it can live with. This is going to be very expensive, go on for years and years, and quickly become extraordinarily tedious. There’s probably a whole series of Peter Jackson movies to be made here.

MIke’s magic:  It’s no wonder that the British have got themselves into this mess. Look at their news media. They’re like rabid dogs! Where is the reason? The common-sense? The perspective? What they need is someone who tells it how it is, knows how the world works, and speaks for the common Maserati-driving man. Someone capable of singlehandedly dominating the media landscape across a range of different platforms: print, radio and TV. We have just the person, and what do you know? He’s on the ground there right now!

You’re very welcome, Britain!