9:23 am

The printer ran out of paper this morning. This is the second time this week. I immediately called Parliamentary Services to demand an independent investigation, only to be told that I should just put some paper in the machine. The woman I spoke to (I will refer to her as “staffer GH”) got very aggressive with me, so I emailed a complaint to her superior. I outlined in my complaint seventy-three instances of incompetence and bullying in GH’s interaction with me. To date I have heard nothing, even though I sent my email over five minutes ago.

10:08 am

I have now had time to reflect on my actions. With hindsight I regret sending the email to Parliamentary Services. I should have held off pushing “send”. Because as soon as I had sent it, I remembered four hundred and eight additional instances of incompetence by GH. Am now sending a follow-up email.

1:34 pm

I have pages and pages of evidence proving the complicity of Parliamentary Services in covering up this whole printer scandal. Or at least I would have, if it wasn’t for the fact that I can’t print anything out. You’ll have to take my word for it.

3:51 pm

Have written a short eighty-thousand-word Facebook post about the whole disgraceful affair. I will not be bullied or intimidated into silence. The public have a right to know what is going on and who is responsible. In my post I have demanded answers to the following questions:

1. Why did the printer run out of paper? Has someone been using it for non-work purposes?
2. Why doesn’t the Prime Minister want an investigation into the printer? What is she hiding?
3. Why has Parliamentary Services not responded to my whistle-blowing emails?
4. Did someone at Parliamentary Services talk to the Labour Party Whips Office to complain about my entirely reasonable printing requirements? What were Kieran McAnulty and Duncan Webb told?
5. How do I print double-sided? Why is this information being withheld from me?

4:22 pm

And now I can’t find the ball-point pen that was on my desk. I would blame one of my staff for the theft, but I have none. No-one will work with me for some reason. So it has to be an inside job by one of the Labour whips. My money is on Duncan Webb. He calls himself a doctor but has never practised medicine. That tells you something about his character. I will add this incident to the long list of stationery irregularities I have been compiling. I won’t go into all the details of the 338-page list (but see my Facebook post), but what I can say is that the overuse of paperclips in this place is a national scandal.

7:21 pm

There is still no paper in the printer. I AM BEING BULLIED!