It appears that the dispute over the One Ring is no closer to being resolved, despite meetings between the interested parties over the last few days. A series of meetings last week between hobbit representatives and Mordor officials failed to strike a deal. The hobbits are believed to have rejected the latest deal put on…

Twenty-seven tyrants and generals speak out against the meddlesome legal profession We write as a group of concerned despots and monsters with expertise in the area of unconstitutional practices. Earlier today a letter signed by twenty-seven respected legal academics was published, condemning the wide powers granted to the Government under the Canterbury Earthquake Response and…

Thursday Troubling news from the Capital. It seems that our allies are in disarray and cannot be relied upon to provide the support we require. It is pleasing, then, that we have so intimidated and overwhelmed out traditional enemies that they dare not move against us at this time. It is even more pleasing to…

Hobbies: Fighting, dressing up, jolly japes. Occupation: International man of mystery. Favourite book: The Day of the Jackal. Favourite movie: Unforgiven. Favourite food: Chicken Nugget Happy Meal. Dream date: I will call you on the phone and whisper promises of sweet seduction into your ear. You will meet me on a seat in a tree-lined…

Would you Adam and Eve it? The bleedin’ system screwed me over again! There I was, minding me own business outside the pisser, when some joker belts me in the Uncle Ned. So I give him a tap with me Oliver Twist, and before I know it the fuzz are dragging me before the magistrate.…

It’s not easy being a hero. Sometimes you wonder why you do it, especially when the media hounds are onto you, trying to tear you apart. So I’ve been forced to do a lot of soul-searching over the last few difficult days. This turmoil has upset all of my usual routines. Instead of getting up before…

Have you ever had one of those shocking mornings after a particular rowdy New Years? From the Herald: A man lived for several years totally unaware a bullet was lodged in his head after a drunken New Year’s Eve night out. It wasn’t until the Polish construction worker, who lives in Germany, noticed a cyst…

I’m wondering if anyone can help me. I realise this is the second post in a row where I have sought the assistance of my readers, but it is all for a good cause. I don’t like wastage. Maybe it’s the years I spent as a student on the bones of my arse, barely able…

Dear readers I’m hoping you can help. I don’t usually ask for advice over the Internet, not since I consulted that quack online doctor about my “little problem”. That was a bad experience, I can tell you. Thankfully everything has scabbed over nicely since then, so I should be okay in a couple of weeks.…