John’s Diary: 16-6-10

Let me tell you about the last week: Expenses scandal: ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Chris Carter: ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Shane Jones: ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Foreshore and Seabed: ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!…

Key Demotes Three Ministers

Prime Minister John Key has moved swiftly to draw a line under the expenses scandal, by demoting three of his ministers. Key announced today that Bill English, Phil Heatley and Tim Groser would be stripped of all ministerial portfolios. Their replacements will be announced tomorrow. Key moved quickly after Labour leader Phil Goff earlier today…

Calling All Killer Robots

Former and current Government ministers have been under attack after their all-too-human foibles and weaknesses were revealed yesterday. Their use of ministerial credit cards to pay for personal items establishes once again how utterly bankrupt our political system is. The answer ought to be abundantly clear. We can no longer rely on humans to rule us.…

A message from spokesperson Ahab McReverend The Sensible Whaling Trust deplores the prank played on TVNZ’s Breakfast show recently, but also calls upon TVNZ to give real advocates for sensible whaling a voice. We have a serious problem with whales in this country. Whole gangs of whales have been known to turn up unannounced on…

We Come In Peace

So we’re the world’s most peaceful nation for the second year in a row. It’s important for us to do well in these indices, because topping them gives our nation profile and clout and provides opportunities. We can be seen as a broker for peace by the rest of the world. It would be foolish…

Ted Haggard Wants You In His Church

Ted Haggard is back preaching, and his new church has a special welcome for gay people. The American evangelist was kicked out of his own church in 2006 after he admitted paying a male prostitute for sex. After a few years in the wilderness, including a stint selling insurance, he is back and has started…

Where Is My Queen’s Birthday Honour?

I’m not sure of the appropriate salutation for one who holds your office. I considered addressing you as “Your Honours Honour” or “Your Worship”. I even wondered about “My liege”, or “Your Holiness”. But then it occurred to me that, while you hold a distinguished and important position, you are still a public servant. I…

John’s Diary: 4/6/10

Sometimes no matter what you tell people they still don’t get it. I said we would never sell Kiwibank, ever. Then I said we would not sell Kiwibank unless we asked the voters first. Then I said we would not sell Kiwibank at all. Then I said we would not sell Kiwibank in this term.…

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Are you tired of being ignored? Are you being bullied at work? Or maybe you don’t have a job and live with your Mum. You’re probably about to explode, but don’t do what that guy in Cumbria did. because I have a much more elegant solution, and it involves no shedding of blood. Become a…