We Come In Peace

So we’re the world’s most peaceful nation for the second year in a row.

It’s important for us to do well in these indices, because topping them gives our nation profile and clout and provides opportunities. We can be seen as a broker for peace by the rest of the world.

It would be foolish of us not to make full use of this opportunity. After this result our Pacific neighbours will hardly be expecting a sudden ruthless strike by our armed forces into the very hearts of their lands.  Tonga is ripe for the taking. And Fiji, while it has a not inconsiderable military force, won’t stand a chance.

Samoa should also be a cinch, so long as we keep to the western islands and don’t entangle the US, and the Cooks are already almost ours.

If after those conquests we can maintain our peace ranking we should then look at more ambitious targets. The Australian military is distracted in Afghanistan, and we also have a large expat population residing in Australia. Our spies and agents should start working on those people now, so that when the call comes to rise up the mass insurrection leads to collapse and panic. With a bit of luck and that can-do Kiwi attitude we should be able to overwhelm most of New South Wales before striking serious resistance.

But if force looks unlikely to succeed then we have other options. Sydney is our Sudetenland, the home of thousands of New Zealanders, so we should demand the immediate annexation of that city. Once we control the biggest city in Australia we should be able to dismantle that once-strong nation piece by piece.

New Zealand has a proud history of peacemakers. You only need to think of Charles Upham and Willie Apiata to realise how effective Kiwis can be at terminating potentially hostile situations. So it is fitting that we should hold the coveted first spot.

If invading Australia doesn’t work then I have another idea to keep us on top. Iceland is number 2 on the list, and their economy is a mess. I reckon we could take them.