John’s Diary: 4/6/10

Sometimes no matter what you tell people they still don’t get it. I said we would never sell Kiwibank, ever. Then I said we would not sell Kiwibank unless we asked the voters first. Then I said we would not sell Kiwibank at all. Then I said we would not sell Kiwibank in this term. How much clearer do I need to be? Sure, the wording used by me on each occasion may have been slightly different, but that’s because I’m a nuanced kind of guy. Let’s not ruin that now by getting hung up on semantics.

Anyway, the problem is I’ve every intention of getting rid of the stupid thing, but Bill says I’ve rather boxed us into a corner. So we’ve been brainstorming to work out how we can rid ourselves of this asset without people accusing us of breaking promises. Bill’s first plan was to change the name of the bank to something else, so we could say “we’re not selling Kiwibank. We’re selling [name of new bank]”. Simon had a novel idea. He said we shouldn’t sell the bank at all – why not just gift it to someone? We’ve a history in this country of giving away state assets for next to nothing. Anne had a great idea, and it’s the best idea I’ve heard from her(not that she’d set the bar very high). She wondered if maybe we could just conveniently lose Kiwibank. I like that idea. I’m always losing track of where I put my things. Like my shares. LOL!

Talking of which, I knew I had this blind trust, but it turns out I can actually see what’s in it! It’s a miracle! Just as well, because blind trust is what I expect others to have in me. Not just blind, but also deaf and dumb. Especially dumb. LOL!

The polls aren’t looking as shiny as they were. I blame journalists and their curly questions. They’ve been supportive of me up to now, but more recently some of them seem to have forgotten their role as loyal cheerleaders. That smarmy John Campbell’s a pain in the arse, and I don’t even dare go on Morning Report any more. Plunkett’s a mad dog, and even the friendly old guy’s got it in for me. Thank God for the two Pauls.

Talking of journos, Judith says the new shipping containers are ready to start being used as jail cells. She told the Cabinet that the first people imprisoned would be four journalists. You can imagine how thrilled we all were at the news, until Judith said the journos were only going to spend one night inside. Gerry wept.

At least Gerry has his oil. We’ve signed a deal for a Brazilian company to drill for oil out to sea. There can be no better time to sign a contract to drill for oil at sea. And it’s a lot more environmentally friendly than Gerry’s daft mining plan. After all, what can go wrong? LOL!