Dear Paula

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Dear Mr John

Dear Mr John, Please can you help me and my people. I live in a small village on the West Bank. My life is difficult. We have no running water, and when I go with my sister to the well we are sometimes abused by the Israeli settlers who live nearby. Once they fired guns…

I Preferred The Old Kerre

I don’t usually like to comment on a woman’s appearance via a public medium like the internet. But is it my imagination, or is Kerre Woodham looking different these days? Maybe she’s working too hard. She’s clearly not looking after herself.

The Cat Came Back

According to the Taranaki Daily News, a ghost cat haunts a property in Harewa. The evidence for the feline spectre can be viewed here. But beware: once you have viewed the video you may never be the same again. Your nightmares will be filled with visions of horror and dread, as Mr Tibbles comes at…

A Four Day Miracle

Now that Andrew Symonds is cured, will he be allowed to return to Australian cricket? Symonds recently got himself clean for a social rugby league game: “And a few days leading up [to the game] it was strictly lots of veggies and a fairly lean diet, and I swore myself off alcohol for about four…

A New National Anthem

Last night I expressed the highly controversial (comments! why no comments!) view that “God Defend New Zealand” was a bit, well, lame. So as a service to our proud nation I have decided to write a new anthem. Now I should add immediately that, while I find the music dreary, it’s the lyrics I really…

Oderint Dum Metuant

Crusher Collins wants to put our crims in shipping containers. Too costly, I say! Here are some alternatives. If we have to go with containers, let’s at least pack them properly. Everyone knows that if you don’t pack a container right stuff will fall and break. So let’s pack them in real tight. And maybe…

Won’t Someone Think Of The Flies?

The squashing by Barack Obama of a small fly during a TV interview recently is just another example of naked American aggression. Let’s not get all misty-eyed about the first black man to be US President – Obama is a killer, a cold and ruthless one. And he enjoys the hunt. “I got the sucker!”…

Mighty AB’s Almost Too Good For Dastardly Foreigners

So the All Blacks lost on Saturday. I debated whether to write an article savaging the management and coaching of the team, the lack of cohesion, the absence of self-belief, etcetera etcetera. Instead I’ll leave that for the paid hacks. So let’s have something to lift the spirits. Here’s a rating of the teams in…