Last night I expressed the highly controversial (comments! why no comments!) view that “God Defend New Zealand” was a bit, well, lame.

So as a service to our proud nation I have decided to write a new anthem.

Now I should add immediately that, while I find the music dreary, it’s the lyrics I really have difficulty with. So for the moment we’ll keep the music and see what can be done with it later.

So what are the elements of a good singalong anthem?

• a bloody great war
• the sacrifice by our brave boys/girls
• beating the crap out of someone we don’t like and celebrating the fact
• taunting our less fortunate neighbours that their country is sh*t, preferably in a mildly racist/xenophobic manner
• bragging about how good looking our sheep are.

Now with those things in mind, here’s the first verse (remember, sung to the tune of “God Defend”)

Verse One:

Mountain climbing brave Sir Edmund

Kirk and Kirwan, Eighty-Seven

World Cup trophy, Slice of Heaven

God that Flossy’s a looker.

Aussies have all kinds of snakes

and spiders all over the place

as for their climate it’s no shakes

God we’ve got it sorted.

Verse Two:

Shelford’s gonad sack did tear

Saffer bit Fitzpatrick’s ear

Our brave boys they showed no fear

Man I hate those Japies.

In the World Wars we were great

Kicked some arse in Alamein

Love those sheep – don’t be ashamed

God bless Aotearoa.