Last night I expressed the highly controversial (comments! why no comments!) view that “God Defend New Zealand” was a bit, well, lame.
So as a service to our proud nation I have decided to write a new anthem.
Now I should add immediately that, while I find the music dreary, it’s the lyrics I really have difficulty with. So for the moment we’ll keep the music and see what can be done with it later.
So what are the elements of a good singalong anthem?
- a bloody great war
- the sacrifice by our brave boys/girls
- beating the crap out of someone we don’t like and celebrating the fact
- taunting our less fortunate neighbours that their country is sh*t, preferably in a mildly racist/xenophobic manner
- bragging about how good looking our sheep are.
Now with those things in mind, here’s the first verse (remember, sung to the tune of “God Defend”)
Mountain climbing brave Sir Edmund
Kirk and Kirwan, Eighty-Seven
World Cup trophy, Slice of Heaven
God that Flossy’s a looker.
Aussies have all kinds of snakes
and spiders all over the place
as for their climate it’s no shakes
God we’ve got it sorted.
Shelford’s gonad sack did tear
Saffer bit Fitzpatrick’s ear
Our brave boys they showed no fear
Man I hate those Japies.
In the World Wars we were great
Kicked some arse in Alamein
Love those sheep – don’t be ashamed
God bless Aotearoa.