Speech By The Chairperson Of The DPB Revolutionary Congress During Annual Plenary Session

as imagined by a Kiwiblog reader


I told you this day would come. We are now at war. The Government of the day has taken aim at us, and we must fight back.

They say we are lazy, no good bludgers. Talkback land has never been more hateful towards us. The internet is dripping with bile, all because we took what we wanted.

They’ve rumbled us! But let us not be down. For, comrades, it is time for us to take even more!

Here is my three-point action plan to win the war.

1. Breed

We’ve long known we are all just good for nothing breeding machines. But our secret’s out. We can beat ourselves up over being exposed like this, or we can turn this into a strength. So go forth and multiply, ladies! If we make enough baby beneficiaries then the sheer number of little bludgers will bring this system to its knees.

2. Stop all effort

Some of you, I know, have been doing part-time work on the sly. Our organisation has turned a blind eye to this disgraceful behaviour until now. But this has to stop now!

If you’ve time to work you’ve time to sit on your arse watching Oprah and Dr Phil. That’s an order!

3. Spend

You can do your bit by bankrupting the State. Spend every penny you have on worthless things, then demand more. More! Booze, cigarettes, Sky TV, Sky City Casino! The Sky’s the limit. Do your bit, girls!

With this three-point plan in place, we can roll this fascist state, and then there will be handouts for everyone.

Whose baby is crying? Stop that! I told you to leave your runts at home, alone!

Now, ladies, that is the end of the session. We will reconvene in an hour, once Days of our Lives, has finished. In the meantime there is caviar at the back for everyone, paid for by the toiling taxpayer, and for the pregnant ones there’s vodka and champagne.