Ask Pam

Introducing award winning therapist, real estate agent, and clairvoyant to the stars, Pamela de Bonbon. If you have a problem that needs fixing, she can help. Relationship problems? Want the winning lotto numbers? Runny bottom that won’t respond to treatment? Pam can help. 

Dear Pam

It sure has been tough these last few days. My girlfriend has gone, without leaving a note or sending a text. I’m not too bothered by her going, because she was really starting to piss me off with her incessant whining. “I want this” and “I want that”. Whatever. Woman, if I wanted you out of the cage I’d have given you the key. Now hush, because Survivor’s about to start.

The tough bit is her Mum, who’s, like, calling every five minutes. “Have you seen her? Has she called?”

I tell her no, and that I don’t know where she is, but it doesn’t do any good. She’s now saying she’ll call the cops and report her daughter missing. Like, how is that my problem?

So my question is how do I stop this stupid woman from pestering me?

Oh and I have one other question: do you have any tips for removing bloodstains from a car boot?

Dave

Dear Dave

You sicken me. You need serious help, my friend.

Survivor? You have to be kidding me. Some people can’t be helped.

On the blood problem, try vinegar. It worked a treat when my late husband “disappeared”.

Pam

Dear Pam

I met a man on the Internet three weeks ago. I know what you’re thinking, but I really think he might be the one. We finally met in person last week, and he entranced me. He is handsome, funny and rich, and I think he really likes me.

Do you see this man in my future?

Sue

Dear Sue

He sure is rich. He’s also cheating on his wife. Don’t act so surprised, because your little game is fooling nobody. You know all this, because his wife is your sister.

You think Bronwyn won’t eventually find out what you’re doing? She already knows, and she’s pissed. She’s already planning how to get even with you. If I were you I would definitely not eat that chocolate cake she made for your birthday.

It makes no difference anyway. You are so dead. Enjoy your last three days, sixteen hours and four minutes of being unstabbed.

Dear Sue

I went to Parliament today to protest at the Chinese oppression of Tibet, but I ended up being shoved and manhandled by Chinese security men. They even tore the Tibetan flag from my hands. I have complained to the police, but they don’t seem that interested. 

Will I get justice? Will the people of Tibet get justice?

Russel

Dear Russel

Is that even your real name? What happened to the rest of your first name? Were you naughty as a child so they took the other “l” away?

Is that why you’re so pissed off? You think the loss of an inconsequential consonant somehow allows you to identify with the destruction of the culture and political autonomy of the Tibetan people?

That’s a really sad reason to join the protest movement.

Let me explain to you how this will end. The police will do nothing. The Chinese won’t apologise, but they might mumble some kind of regret at what appeared to be an unfortunate misunderstanding.

You should just be grateful you don’t get charged with attacking that nice man’s umbrella.

Pam

Dear Pam

Will we beat Italy in the football? I’m in a tight spot financially, and could do with a payday. I’m down to my last thousand bucks. Do I put my money on the All Whites to win?

Rufus

Dear Rufus

Good news! You won’t have to worry about money any more, so forget the stupid game. Do you remember your old mate Derek? Remember that night when you were both drunk and ended up in the same bed? You told yourselves later it was just a drunken mistake, but did you know that Derek was actually sober and had his film camera with him? And did you know he was a documentary filmmaker?

I’ve seen the footage he took, and it’s compelling. You are about to be the star of the next Sundance Film Festival.

And when that no longer works for you, you definitely have a career in the circus. Wow.

Pam 

Do you have any questions for Pam?