Bob Mittsky’s Auckland Election Voting Guide

Uncompromising left-wing columnist and Chairman of the Workers Solidarity Party of Aotearoa, Bob Mittsky, gives his picks for the local body election

Comrades,

Now that the local body elections are upon us we must mobilise our forces.

By choosing carefully who we vote for we can achieve many of our aims with a lot less blood–at least initially.

So here is a guide to the Auckland elections to help you decide who you should* vote for.

Mayor

This is a no-brainer. A vote for anyone other than me is a vote for John Banks. The other candidates talk up the values of inclusiveness and community, but only one candidate promises all-out class war against rightists, splitters and Trotskyites. Vote for me, unless you are a class enemy, in which case we’ll be around shortly to deal with your unfortunate errors.

Auckland Council (in alphabetic order)

Albany Ward (2): Look no further than Dennis Cripps and Bill Douglas. I first met Dennis during my time in the trade union movement in the 1970s. He is everything you would want in an “old school” union candidate: an angry man from the north of England who blames all the ills of the world on bosses, women and immigrants. His colleague Bill is also a champion of the people. Bill is head of the New Zealand Anti-Fascist Council, and is an expert on waging war against other leftist groups to the detriment of the greater good.

Eden-Albert-Roskill Ward (2): I have always despised these inner city suburbs for being the playground of the affluent middle classes. You people make me want to vomit. Your extinction is inevitable, but may be less painful if you co-operate with us. Vote Sheila Mandrake and Flora Duvalier.

Franklin Ward (1): Albrecht Romanov is the only logical choice for those who want a genuine left-wing candidate. Romanov has just returned from years of studying in North Korea, and would bring a valuable lack of balance and perspective to Council deliberations. His marathon 15-hour-long public self-denunciation last week for rightist errors shows that he will be truly accountable for his actions.

Howick Ward (2): Eva Snow is a champion of local issues, including public transport and housing. As the Arts spokesperson for the Workers Solidarity Party of Aotearoa Snow is committed to a “cultural revolution” within the Supercity. Another strong candidate in the ward is Hugo Furst. Hugo is best known for leading a group of protesters to Afghanistan to protest against the US imperialist invasion. Unfortunately Hugo couldn’t make the trip due to unforeseen circumstances, but the eulogy he gave at the funeral service for his colleagues inspired many, and the reaction encouraged him to stand for public office. If there was ever a man to lead this city out of the mess it is in it would have to be Hugo, provided it is understood that by “lead” we obviously mean “get other people to do the dirty work.” Vote for Hugo, but please don’t get too attached to him. He has ideas above his station, and will need to be re-educated.

Manukau Ward (2): This is an area of the region that is experiencing massive social problems, including poverty and unemployment. That is why you should vote for Frank Lazarus and Fifi d’Snitch. They understand the power of the people, and know how to mobilise the proletariat to perform wondrous tasks. With your support we can create a proletarian army from the dregs of the unemployed and the gangs, and begin our Long March to Wellington. Power to the people!

Manurewa-Papakura Ward (2): Another poor area of South Auckland crying out for the building of some vast icon devoted to the glory of socialism. If you want buses and reasonable rates then vote for one of those mainstream clowns. But if you want to wake up every morning to the sight of a vast statue of our Dear Leader then vote for Sinbad Wiseacre and Nola Blirch.

Maungakiekie-Tamaki Ward (1): If you don’t vote for Sam Hamster it is because you are a dangerous rightist who deserves everything that will be very shortly coming your way.

North Shore Ward (2): This region will be the site of our special project, once we have control of the Council. The left has always put a high value on education, so we’re walking the talk. Vote Bilbo Snurd and Hebreniana Vasanurchigo if you want to see the Shore region converted to the world’s largest educational facility. We expect there to be a huge demand for the re-education services to be provided (free of charge!) to those rightists who simply won’t conform.

Orakei Ward (1): It really doesn’t matter who you vote for here. As soon as we seize control of the Council we intend to surround this affluent ward and torch it with all the bosses still inside. Hmmm… is that bacon I smell?

Rodney Ward (1): How apt that a ward named after the arch-capitalist should have one of our strongest candidates. Vote for Salmonella Vile and we’ll bring revolution to Auckland!

Waitakere Ward (2): Vote for Brendall Slurp and Numptoria Vice of the People’s Democratic Party. But don’t vote for either Grendall Burp or Victoria Nice of the Democratic People’s Party. Those Trotskyites deserve nothing but death!

Waitemata & Gulf Ward (1): Mike Lee is the obvious candidate for moderates on the left. Which is why he must not win! The traitor Lee has been known to engage with different groups, rather than wage all-out class war upon them. Your only hope is to vote for Noxiana Stench.

Whau Ward (1): Ming The Merciless is Our Dear Leader’s pick. You would dare to defy Him?

Local Boards and DHBs

Don’t bother. Once we have taken control of Wellington and liquidated our enemies, we’ll stack these boards with party members.

* Of course, by “should” I mean “will”.