I haven’t had time to take a good look at the 2025 Taskforce Report, but hope to do so in the next day or so. In the meantime, to get you thinking, here are some selected extracts from the report.

Revelation 1

1. The Revelation of Don, which God gave unto him, to show unto his servants things which must shortly come to pass; and he sent and signified it by his angel unto his servant Don:

2. Who bare record of the word of the neoliberals, and of the testimony of the Act Party, and of all things that its leader saw.

3. Blessed is he that readeth the Act Party manifesto, and they that hear the words of this prophecy, and keep those things which are written therein in their minds for regurgitating as a Taskforce report: for the time is at hand.

4. Don to the monetarists which are in Chicago: Grace be unto you, and peace, from him which is, and which was, and which is to come; and from the seven Spirits (vodka, gin, whisky, bourbon, brandy, tequila and rum) which Don drank before writing his report;

12. And I turned to see the voice that spake with me. And being turned, I saw seven golden BMWs driven by seven finance company directors on their way to court;

13. And in the midst of the seven BMWs one like unto Mark Bryers, clothed with an Armani suit down to the foot, and girt about the paps with serious bling.

17. And when I saw him, I fell at his feet as one dead, for his industry was a splendid example of the deregulation I really dig. And he laid his right hand upon me, saying, Fear not; for they won’t get me.

Revelation 2

9.. I know thy works, and tribulation, and poverty (not personally, of course, but because someone told me it exists) and I know the blasphemy of them which say they are Progressives, and are not, but are the synagogue of Communism.

10. Fear none of those things which thou shalt suffer: behold, the devil shall cast some of you into welfare, that ye may become lazy and slothful and have many babies to different men; and ye shall have tribulation when Work and Income want to know who the father is: be thou faithful unto death, and I will give thee Atlas Shrugged.

11. He that hath a house in Epsom, let him hear what the Spirit saith when he be drained from his bottle; He that overcometh intoxication while making policy shall not be part of my Taskforce.

17. He that hath an ear, let him hear what the Spirit saith when the bottle be consumeth; To him that overcometh the tequila fumes will I give to eat of the hidden worm, and will give him a report, and in the report a lot of hocus-pocus written, which every man knoweth to be bullshit.

19. I know thy works, and charity, and service, and faith, and thy patience, and thy works; and let me tell you there’s no place in my worldview for any of those things.

20. Notwithstanding I have a few things against thee, because thou didst sufferest that woman Helen, which calleth herself a prophetess, to teach and to seduce my servants to vote Labour.

21. And I gave her space to repent of her rule; and she repented not.

22. Behold, I attempted to cast her from power, and them that commit voting for her into great tribulation, except they repent of their deeds, but not for long.

26. And he that overcometh Socialism, and keepeth his works (the beach house, the share portfolio and mistress) unto the end, to him will I give power over the nations:

27 And he shall rule them with a rod of iron; as the vessels of a potter shall they be broken to shivers: even as I received of my tax cuts.

28 And I will give him deregulation.

29. He that hath a share portfolio, let him hear what the Spirit saith once he hath drunk it, and let him write a report once he hath emptied the bottle.

Revelation 4

1. After this I looked, and, behold, a door was opened in heaven: and the first voice which I heard was as it were of a trumpet talking with me; which said, Come up hither, and I will show thee how you may destroy your nation’s prosperity.

2. And immediately I was in the spirit (I never can say no to strong liquor): and, behold, a throne was set in heaven, and one sat on the throne. and I thought, Bugger that, because after all that booze I really needed a piss.

3. And he that sat on the dunny was to look upon like a hardened prune: and there was a rainbow round about the throne, which to be honest was the reflection of my urine after I took a leak, after all I was busting.

4. And round about the bog were four and twenty other shitters: and upon those shitters four and twenty Business Roundtable members, clothed in dark suits; and they had on their heads bald patches, being greying men.

5. And out of the throne proceeded lightnings and thunderings and voices: and there were seven lamps of fire burning before the throne, which was a pretty stupid thing to have lit when you have a bunch of old men farting their rings out.

6. And before the first throne there was a sea of glass like unto crystal (that was my piss, sorry): and in the midst of the throne, and round about the throne, were four beasts full of eyes before and behind. How did some of the ACT caucus get in here?

7. And the first beast was like a lion (Rodney), and the second beast like a calf (that cow Heather), and the third beast had a face as a man (actually maybe that was Heather), and the fourth beast was like a flying eagle, though come to think of it, maybe it was a dodo.

8 And the four beasts had each of them six wings about him; and they were full of eyes within: and they rest not day and night, saying, Holy, holy, holy, slash government spending, which was, and is, and is to come.

9. And those beasts give glory and honour and thanks to the bloke having a shit on the throne.

10. The four and twenty suits fall down before him that sat on the throne, and worship him that liveth for ever and ever, and cast their crowns before the throne, saying,

11. Thou art worthy, O Sir Roger, to receive glory and honour and power: for thou hast created all things, and for thy pleasure they are and were created.

Revelation 5

1. And I saw in the right hand of him that sat on the throne a report written within and on the backside, sealed with seven seals.

2. And I saw a strong angel proclaiming with a loud voice, Who the hell wrote this piece of shite?

3. And no sensible man in heaven, nor in earth, neither under the earth, was able to open the report without bursting out in laughter, neither to look thereon.

4. And I wept much, because I thought it was a good effort on my part.

Revelation 7

1. And after these things I saw four of the ACT caucus members sitting in Parliament, holding the four winds of the earth within their buttocks, that the wind should not blow on the other members.

2. And I saw a fifth ACT caucus member ascending from his seat, having read my report: and he cried with a loud voice to the four others, to whom it was given to hurt the earth and the sea,

3. Saying, Hurt not the earth, neither the sea, nor the trees, till we have discussed this report and voted on it. I’m sure you’ll agree it’s bloody good stuff.

Revelation 8

1. And when Mr Key had opened the report, there was silence in heaven about the space of half an hour.

2. And I saw seven of his Cabinet members which stood before him; and to them were given seven trumpets.

3. And another cabinet member (Gerry) came and stood at Mr Key’s altar, having a golden crown (thanks to the Canterbury earthquake emergency legislation); and there was given unto him much incense, that he should offer it to the four ACT MPs who were desperate to let rip.

4. And the smoke of the incense, which came with Gerry’s prayers, ascended up before the debating chamber.

5 And Gerry took the censer, and filled it with fire of the altar, and cast it down onto the floor of Parliament: and there were voices, and thunderings, and lightnings, and an earthquake as the four ACT MPs let go all of the hot air within them.

6. And the seven ministers which had the seven trumpets prepared themselves to sound.

7. The first minister sounded, and there followed hail and fire mingled with blood, and my report was cast upon the earth.

8 And the second minister sounded, and as it were my entire career was cast into the sea: and became nothing;

13.And I beheld, and heard a minister flying through the midst of Parliament, saying with a loud voice, Woe, woe, woe, to the inhabiters of the far right, we’d like to do all this but the public won’t let us!

Revelation 13

1. And I stood upon the sand of the sea, and saw a beast rise up out of the sea, having seven heads and ten horns, and upon his horns ten crowns, and upon his heads the name of blasphemy.

2. And the beast which I saw was like unto a trade unionist, and his feet were as the feet of a socialist, and his mouth as the mouth of a rabblerouser: and the union members gave him his power, and his seat, and great authority.

3. And I saw one of his heads as it were wounded to death; and his deadly wound was healed, but then his Actor Equity mates shafted him good and proper.

4. And they worshipped the trade unionist which gave power unto the beast: and they worshipped the beast, saying, Who is like unto the beast? who is able to make war with him?

5. And there was given unto him a mouth speaking great things and blasphemies (workers’ rights, fairness and justice for all, a minimum wage); and power was given unto him to continue for ninety days, until he was sacked for no reason.

6. And he opened his mouth in blasphemy against the Market, to blaspheme its name, and its tabernacle.

7.And it was given unto him to make war with the neoliberals, and to overcome them: and power was given him over all kindreds, and tongues, and nations.

Revelation 18

1. And after these things I saw another minister come out of a Cabinet meeting, having great power; and the earth was lightened with his glory.

2. And he cried mightily with a strong voice, saying, New Zealand the great is fallen, is fallen, and is become the habitation of the Left, and the hold of every foul spirit, and a cage of every unclean and hateful welfare recipient.

3. For all nations have drunk of the wine of the wrath of her progressivism, and the kings of the earth have committed fornication with her, and the merchants of the earth are not nearly rich enough through the abundance of her delicacies, because of a progressive tax system.

Revelation 19

1. And after these things I heard a great voice of much people in heaven, saying, Alleluia; Salvation, and glory, and honour, and power, unto the great Brash:

2. For true and righteous are his Taskforce reports: for he hath judged the great whore of Socialism, which did corrupt the earth with her fornication, and hath avenged the blood of his servants at her hand.

3. And again they said, Alleluia. And her smoke rose up for ever and ever.

4. And the four and twenty Business Roundtable members sitting on their bogs and the four ACT MPs fell down and worshipped me that sat on the throne (move over, Roger), saying, Amen; Alleluia.

5. And a voice came from the throne, saying, God I really needed to unload that. Sorry about the smell.

Revelation 22

6. And he said unto me, this report is faithful and true: and Sir Roger of the holy prophets sent his angel to show unto his servants the things which must shortly be done.

7. Behold, I come quickly: blessed is he that keepeth the sayings of the prophecy of this report.

8. And I, Don, saw these things, and heard them. And when I had heard and seen, I fell down to worship before the feet of Sir Roger, who showed me these things.

9. Then saith he unto me, See thou do it: for I am thy fellowservant, and of thy brethren the prophets, and of them which keep the sayings of this report: worship the Market.

10. And he saith unto me, let’s get to work: for the time is at hand.

11. He that is unjust, let him be unjust still:. That suits our purposes just fine.

20..He who testifieth these things saith, Yea: I come quickly. Amen: come, Sir Roger.

21.The grace of Ayn Rand be with us. Amen.