Crunch Time For BickieLeaks

As the BickieLeaks website continues to release sensitive information, biscuit authorities in the United States are now looking at what steps can be taken to shut it down.

Overnight the BickieLeaks site released fresh information about the diplomacy efforts of the Federation of United Biscuit Merchants, based in Washington.

The leaked information included a cable from the Federation’s representative in Russia describing Vlad Pryannikov, the General Secretary of the Russian Digestives Society, as “corrupt, venal, and in the pay of the meringue mafia.”

And Juan Panecillo, the head of the Spanish Macaroon and Shortbread Alliance, is described in another cable as “a short oversexed man with limited intellect and a hatred of Oreos.”

The leaks are highly embarrassing and betray a candour that is rarely heard outside the intimate circles of the biscuit world’s elite.

President Barry Mallomars of the Federation of United Biscuit Merchants has called on Huntley Palmer, the founder of BickieLeaks, to stop leaking sensitive biscuit-related information.

“This action puts at jeopardy the business interests of Federation of United Biscuit Merchants members all around the world,” said President Mallomars.

Others in the biscuit world have called on Palmer to be kidnapped, or even assassinated.

Fig Newton, a commentator on biscuit-friendly Ritz News Network, said BickieLeaks was a terrorist website and should be shut down.

But the Federation of United Biscuit Merchants may be powerless to prevent further leaks on the BickieLeaks website. The site is based on Brussels, home of the infamous Belgium Biscuit.

President Mallomars said he was now examining what action could be taken against the Belgians for harbouring Palmer and the BickieLeaks site.

Belgium was a member of the International Biscuit, Cracker and Wafer Convention. The Convention obliges member states to co-operate with extradition requests from other states for crimes against biscuitry.

But Belgium renounced the Convention in 2007, after an unpleasant experience by King Albert II involving a custard cream during a state visit to France.

As well as demanding death for Palmer, Ritz News Network commentator Fig Newton has demanded immediate action be taken against any country that harbours Huntley Palmer or the BickieLeaks site.

Newton has reserved his harshest criticism for Belgium.

“So deviant are the Belgians that the name of their national biscuit has become synonymous with a depraved act,” said Mr Newton.

“I tried a Belgium Biscuit once, and I can assure you the taste was awful.”