Labour And Other Terror Groups

Prime Minister John Key announced today that New Zealand has designated four more terrorist groups under the Terrorism Suppression Act 2002.

The groups are the Al Aqsa Martyrs Brigades, the National Liberation Army (ELN) of Colombia, Harakat-ul Jihad al Islami of Bangladesh, and the New Zealand Labour Party.

“Three of these entities have committed atrocities against civilians, and have been responsible for the indiscriminate killing of civilians” said Mr Key.

“The other group is mostly harmless, but what the heck.”

The designations mean that any assets owned by the groups in New Zealand can be seized, and accounts can be frozen. It is an offence to deal with any property controlled by these groups.

“Unfortunately, Labour’s perpetually broke, so there’s no cash in it for us,” said Mr Key.

The designations were greeted with derision by Labour leader Phil Goff.

Speaking via satellite phone from a hidden location, Mr Goff denounced the designation of Labour as a terrorist group.

“And he moved the tyranny and suppression of freedom onto us, and they called it the Terrorism Suppression Act under the disguise of fighting terrorism.

“God willing, our blessed attacks against the citadel of Key will overcome the Infidel. When this Key has felt the pain we feel when our wives and daughters are suppressed, then he will finally learn that it is not wise to move against us.”

Green Party MP Keith Locke said his party was happy with the designations.

“Normally I react with suspicion when the Government acts to suppress so-called terror groups. But I’m pleased that someone has finally done something about Labour.

“That Trevor Mallard has really been pissing me off with all his muckraking and smartarse comments, and Shane Jones must be the most pompous speaker in all the House.

“Finally we have a real prime minster willing to make the tough decisions, rather than spin the usual touchy-feely PC bullshit we usually get.

“Now let’s have a real opposition.”

Council of Civil Liberties spokesperson Basil Stroudhampton said his group was comfortable with the move.

“Normally we would condemn absolutely such an egregious breach of basic freedoms. Freedom of association is a fundamental right in a functioning democratic society, and any move to suppress a political party threatens that right.

“But, Jesus, Labour’s been so whiny lately, I’m just pleased they’re gone.”