Today in History – Russia, 1938

A spokesperson for the Russian Police Association, Gregor Okkonnorvski, has assured the public that his organisation’s members play by the rules and maintain the highest standards of integrity.

The assurances came after a number of radicals and Trotskyites made malicious claims that the secret police, or NKVD, led by the hero of the Soviet Union Lavrentiy Beria, have been hauling away people for interrogation, often in the middle of the night while their crying children cling to them. These class enemies have claimed that police routinely abuse the powers given to them, and engage in mass murder, and that there is a culture within the organisation of corruption, graft, cruelty and terror.

“Comrades, let me assure you that my members would never do such things,” said Comrade Okkonnorvski.

“We are committed to following the strictest protocols in all of our interactions with the public. We would never betray the Revolution in the manner that these class enemies have suggested.

“How can we be bad people when we are so fond of children and cute animals? We especially like kittens. I had planned to bring a kitten to this press conference to show you how caring we are, but it had a most unfortunate accident on the way here. Apparently it was depressed and shot itself several times using one of my men’s revolvers.”

Comrade Beria also spoke in support of the embattled NKVD forces.

“These men do a crucial job, weeding out the kulaks, enemies and traitors that lurk everywhere, ensuring that the heroic sacrifices that our martyrs of the Revolution made do not go in vain, and that we may preserve our socialist utopia.

“Our police forces are the most non-corrupt in the world. Nowhere in the world will you find a police force more committed to the maintenance of order than here, in the Soviet Union.

“And if anyone is brave enough to suggest otherwise, well let them speak up now, so that I may address their  criticism in my usual robust way.”