Key Captures Critical Demographic After Radio Show

After a momentous week in politics, both main political party leaders were this weekend reflecting on the reaction to their state of the nation speeches.

Most commentators and analysts have given John Key a positive tick for what they say was a courageous initiative.

Lecturer in Political Studies at Timaru University, Fraser Newdick, said that Key had recaptured territory lost to him over the last couple of years.

“Being interviewed on Tony Veitch’s radio show and talking on-air about who he’d like to bag was a sure sign of the man’s class,” said Mr Fraser.

“It was also a politically astute move. Having already sewn up the bland-spineless-lacking-initiative demographic, he’s now made the sexist-boofhead vote his own.

“Anyone who is about to throw their girlfriend down the stairs will now be thinking of voting National.”

The media reaction to Mr Key has also been largely positive.

Newspaper columnist Harold Balls wrote this week that “Key’s discovery that he’s a hot-blooded man-mountain busting for some action will delight all the little ladies. Come on girls, you know you can’t resist a man of power.”

But when interviewed yesterday, Mr Key was less forthcoming about the radio show interview, and preferred to discuss his asset sale programme.

“Most people know that securing a brighter future for ourselves and our families is more important than who I happen to be sexually attracted to,” said Mr Key.

“But don’t get me wrong. I may be a happily married man, but if some fine hot lady walks by then I’m going to tell the world ‘hey, I would so do that.’

“I doubt that prissy choirboy Goff would be brave enough to. Like all of Labour’s man-ladies, he’d be castrated by the Sisterhood the moment he opened his mouth.”

Mr Key then scratched his backside, belched loudly and wiped his nose on the Warriors shirt he was wearing.

Mr Goff has publicly rejected suggestions that Labour is losing ground in the critical sportsjock-misogynist demographic. But party insiders have confirmed that Goff realises Labour must regain the sympathies of the domestically violent classes if the party is to have a realistic hope of returning to government.

“A Labour government would be an inclusive one,” said Mr Goff yesterday, standing at the bar in Showgirls with his hands in his pants.

“We are a party for all New Zealanders. It doesn’t matter whether you’re black or white, brown or yellow, rich or poor. If it’s female and hot then I’ll tap it.

“My message to ordinary New Zealanders who are struggling through these hard times and who happen to be female and sexy is this: show us your tits, love!”