Right Thinking: Meet My Syndrome

Hard hitting conservative columnist Dr Frank Shizenhausen has a plan to make our streets safer.

Good lord, has the world gone mad?

Has our judiciary finally been taken over by screaming liberals?

I had thought they were taking a firm line in Christchurch with evildoers. Like the monster who was looking to steal light fittings before they caught him. Is there any worse crime than taking light fittings in the midst of a natural disaster? It’s no better than stealing from the dead. In fact, it’s much, much worse. Rightly, the judge threw him in jail, but not before a quick-thinking member of our constabulary gave the fellow a physical souvenir of his disapproval.

Now it turns out this guy’s got a convenient disease which leaves him with a compulsion to collect light fittings. And yet he’s now been given bail! Jesus wept! How are we supposed to protect our light fittings from these people when our judges turn out be be so wet? I don’t remember being cut any slack when my own compulsion to knife nuns saw me before the courts.

Well if the judiciary won’t protect us from these Asperger’s “sufferers” then I will. Let me tell you about my current project. I’m presently rounding up some of my friends. We’ll drink some liquor, then we’ll plan our defence. I’ve always believed a good defence is built around offence, and I’m sure my friends will agree with me once we’ve downed a few bottles of Jack Daniels and listened to a few hours of talkback radio.

We might even give our little group a name. Better still, let’s call ourselves a “syndrome”. That way when it turns out that we have a compulsion to club, beat and kick certain persons the judge will have to let us off.

When you’re dealing with these people the only thing they respect is brutality. It is cruel to be kind, and, besides, it’s more fun. More importantly, if you don’t take a hard line they’ll just keep doing it. I for one have had enough of these people. I’m not going to just sit at home any more, cowering in fear clutching my shotgun while reading my bible, and with only the woman chained to the foot of my bed to keep me company. It’s time we took back the streets from these light-fitting louts, these bulb bandits, these illegal illumination extractors.

Are you with me? And can you shoot a gun?