Dick Fritter: It’s All In The Pastry

Political strategist Dick Fritter has seen it all. A self-proclaimed politics tragic, he has worked with just about everyone, from Rob Muldoon to Osama bin Laden.

Fritter’s biographer, Michael Bassett, has described the master strategist as a “hard drinking, hard living, hard loving man who can sniff out any scandal and manage any crisis.”

His most recent project was plotting the re-election of Kim Jong-Il as president of North Korea. In a breathtaking campaign Kim was re-elected in a landslide popular vote, thanks to Fritter’s work, as well as a good deal of brutal violence.

But Fritter will be best known to readers as the brains behind the controversial “Homo/Not Homo” billboards that worked so effectively for National in the last election.

Fritter has kindly agreed to share his thoughts with readers in this election year on what the main political parties need to do to increase their share of the vote. His first column examines the Labour Party.

Winston Peters is a master of the dark arts. He’s at it again, blasting foreigners, especially Asians, and promising the elderly all sorts of goodies if they vote for him. It’s shortsighted, negative, economically foolish stuff, and I love it.

Contrast that with what those dour do-gooders in Labour are offering. It’s no wonder the red team are struggling.

One of Labour’s biggest problem is that they’ve lost touch with the working man. Chris Trotter has described him as “Waitakere Man”. He drinks Lion Red or DB, likes to watch the motor sport and the Warriors, and just loves it when the ladies get their tits out for the lads.

It’s no wonder, when you consider the fact that the modern Labour Party is run by a bunch of wowsers, pantywaists and liberal woofters. This is a big turnoff for those working class males who measure their IQs by the number of beers they can down before spewing on their mates, and whose version of identity politics is debating the merits of Ford v Holden.

Promoting diversity, tolerance and an end to sexist policies is a laudable aim, but failing to recognise the desire of Waitakere Man to root everything that has a pulse is a big political mistake.

This constituency has been lost to Labour, but it can be reclaimed with an appropriately focused campaign, and with minimal effort Labour could easily gain a few percentage points in the polls.

What’s needed is a naked bribe that will appeal to the working man, and will have him rushing to vote Labour at the next election.

My strategy is two-tiered.

Pies

I challenge you to find a genuine working man who doesn’t love a meat pie. So why don’t political parties put more effort into linking their brand with those tasty pastry meatsacks?

Waitakere Man doesn’t want your fancy gourmet foods, and his idea of a dream meal is an all-you-can-eat dinner at Valentines. When he dines there he can avoid the torture of engaging in conversation with the missus, because he’s too busy stuffing his face from start to finish.

But Valentines is not an everyday treat. For that Waitakere Man needs only to go to the local bakery or petrol station. There he will be able to acquire all that his heart desires: a serving of poor meat off-cuts and gravy, wrapped in pastry and left for too long in the pie-warmer.

The poorer the quality of the product, the more likely it is to appeal to Waitakere Man. Especially when the pub has closed and there’s a long walk home. Recent economic data has confirmed that the main petrol chains are only retaining profitability as a result of the vast quantity of late night pies being purchased by booze-addled Waitakere Men. These cellophane-wrapped nasties may be three days old and limper than Hugh Hefner without his Viagra, but to a befuddled Waitakere Man every mouthful is ambrosia.

It is notoriously difficult to connect politically with Waitakere Man, because he has not the slightest interest in politics, other than to customarily remark to other Waitakere Men that he’s fed up with “those whingeing Maoris”. And yet the moment Waitakere Man opens his mouth to insert a pastry grenade he also opens his mind. It is a moment that should be seized. Here’s how Labour can leave a lasting impression.

Labour needs to invest in a bold social programme called “A Pie Warmer In Every Home”. Imagine if Waitakere Man could come home from a night of drinking, vomiting and fighting and find a pie-warmer filled with succulent pastry treats? Imagine if that pie warmer was festooned with political party advertising. How could this gift to the people not cause a massive surge in goodwill from the aforesaid Waitakere Men?

National has promised a rollout of broadband to every home, but what use is broadband to Waitakere Man? He can’t even read. It’s like the old saying goes: Give a man a pie and feed him for a day. Give a man a pie-warmer and he will give you his party vote. 

Man Points

This is an easy one, and the work’s already been done by a major brewery.

Waitakere Man may be a feral creature more likely to fart in your face than discuss the sonnets of Shakespeare, but he’s also highly insecure. Any suggestion that he may be exhibiting feminine traits, such as communicating in non-grunts, washing and watching Hugh Grant movies, will likely result in feelings of panic and helplessness.

Labour must ruthlessly exploit these fears by piggybacking off the good work done by Lion Breweries to make mankind a much stupider race. The branding used by Lion is even red! If that isn’t a sign then Charlie Sheen isn’t the world’s greatest actor.

Here’s how the ratings work:

  • Forgetting your child’s birthday and going to the pub instead: 500 man points.
  • Making jokes about homosexuals because you’re too scared to admit you have been fantasising about your best mate’s arse for years:  600 man points
  • Voting Labour: 10000 man points
  • Voting National: It’s no good, you’re just a homo and everyone knows it.

That should do the trick for Labour.

Right, now, where did I leave that pack of cigarettes? I’m off to K Road for a clean and polish.

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