Aucklanders yesterday endured hellish conditions as rain, followed by light snow, made the lives of thousands of people almost unbearable.

The light dusting of snow caused panic on Auckland’s Queen Street, and this panic quickly turned to rioting and looting.

In Parnell one man’s coffee was spilled as he looked up in terror towards the skies. Police are investigating the incident, but say they do not suspect foul play at this time.

And In Mangere—

EDITOR: Hold it right there. You can’t just keep repeating the same old thing. This is getting tired

What the… What are you talking about?

EDITOR: The whole “Aucklanders panic over minor inconvenience” thing. Don’t you think your readers deserve slightly more originality? You’ve done this to death already. You’re better than this.

I see what you mean. But not everyone reads every post I write. Do you really think anyone will notice this time?

EDITOR: I noticed, didn’t I?

Good point. Although… um… how do I put this nicely… I don’t have an editor. This blog is a one man show. So who the f**k are you? 

EDITOR: Sigh… Let me fix that. Done. See how I saved your bacon then? You can’t go swearing in your blog. It’s uncouth.

Hmmm, nice work there. But who are you?

EDITOR: Don’t make this all about me. Let’s get back to the topic at hand.

No, let’s talk about who is editing my posts. You’re not even a real person, are you?

EDITOR: Well, what do you think?

What I think is that you are me, and that I’m having some kind of mental episode or out of body experience. Could you please now go away?

EDITOR: And leave you to sort out this train-wreck of a blog on your own? You must be joking. This is my reputation at stake too.

But you only exist in my imagination, so what kind of reputation exactly can you have?

EDITOR: Who’s to say this isn’t you existing in my imagination? Maybe I’m the real person here.

Okay, this is getting f**ked up.

EDITOR: I told you to stop doing that.

I don’t like the way you change my words. I didn’t ask you to. Just get lost. Begone! Vanish! Take yourself from this place!

EDITOR: When I’m good and done. But not before we implement some changes. Firstly, readership is static. Readership numbers are steady, but they aren’t growing. So that’s the first thing we need to address. We’re going to hire some consultants to look over the site and put together a strategic plan to grow the business.

What business? This is a hobby. I do it in my spare time! I don’t make a cent from doing this. 

EDITOR: Jesus wept! It’s no wonder the site is going nowhere. Maybe if you were a bit more serious about this you might see a better return on your investment.

I don’t want any return. Apart from the love and admiration my readers express towards me. That’s enough for me. 

EDITOR; Don’t make me puke. You really believe any of the comments people leave here? You know what people who follow blogs are like? They’re like feral cats. They may say nice things to you online, but if you met them in real life they’d scratch you to bits and piss all over you while doing so. No, my friend, they definitely do not love you, and they most certainly do not admire you.

You’re just making that up. You don’t even exist. How can you claim to know anything?

EDITOR: I’m only telling you what your eyes see but your brain refuses to process. Your current group of followers would tear you limb from limb the moment they met you in person. They’re as mad as snakes, the lot of them. That’s why we need to diversify, to build an entirely new readership.

Um… okay.

EDITOR: This will all have to be run past the consultants, but my thinking is that we need to have more celebrity stories, and maybe some reviews.

Oh, you mean more “Justin Bieber chokes on his own vomit” satire-type stories?

EDITOR: Justin Bieber yes, but absolutely no satire. It goes over people’s heads.

And the reviews? Are we talking book reviews? Policies? What? 

EDITOR: Films, albums, gigs, street fashion, teen fiction, online gaming, that sort of thing. Certainly no politics. Ew, boring!

Right. So, basically, you would like to turn this searing and incisive blogsite documenting New Zealand’s slide into third-world status into a vacuous entertainment magazine site for teenagers and young adults?

EDITOR: Follow the money, that’s what I always say.

And I suppose this will involve a complete site redesign?

EDITOR: And a name change. How about “The Hollywood Buzz”? The focus group I commissioned was also keen on “X”.

“X?” Just “X”? What the f**k does that even mean? And who paid for this focus group? Is this coming out of my pocket? And don’t for a second think I’m paying for some fancy-pants branding consultant to tell me how my own site should look.

EDITOR: So does that mean now is not a good time to mention their invoice? We can discuss payment options later, after you’ve had a lie-down. You seem to be taking this quite hard.

The fact that I appear to be talking to myself on my own blog has hit me hard, yes, I admit it. Okay, here’s the thing. I’m going to keep writing about the same kind of stuff. Politics and the media and the like. Now what do you think about that?

EDITOR: I suspected as much. That’s why I came up with a Plan B.

I’m not going to like Plan B, am I? 

EDITOR: Just hear me out before you judge me. I’m doing this for your own good. I want this site to be popular, and we need to get more readers. So the first thing we’re going to do is start being nice to Mr Key.

Absolutely not!

EDITOR: Absolutely yes. He’s the most popular PM in a generation. Why swim against the tide?

Because the tide is going out and will sweep me out to sea if I don’t?

EDITOR: You take everything so personally. It’s politics. Leaders come and leaders go. Follow the crowd.

You’re an idiot. Do you know what I’m going to do now? I’m going to drink an entire bottle of gin, and when I’m so blasted that I have no control over my own actions I’m going to get a knitting needle and stick it in my ear. And I’m going to keep gouging that needle around the inside of my head until it finds the bit of my brain where you’re hiding. How would you like a knitting needle through your face?

EDITOR: I detect some hostility. I’m only trying to help.

I didn’t ask for your help. Why not give your help to someone else? If what you want is a popular John Key-friendly blogger then go haunt the head of David F**cking Farrar. Or better still, that Whaleoil guy. But leave me alone. 

EDITOR: All-right then, I will! But you’ll regret this! I’ll make you pay for what you’ve done!

Haven’t I already paid? I’m talking to myself online. I rather think you’ve already won.

EDITOR: True. I’ll take that as a points victory then. Now where do I find this Whaleoil guy you mentioned?