Your Tory: A Care Guide

Congratulations! Your new Tory is now ready for operation.

Below are the care instructions for your Tory. Please read them before using your Tory for the first time. Provided you follow these instructions you can look forward to many years of uninterrupted conservative cronyism. 

Three-Year Warranty

Your Tory comes with a three-year warranty. In the event you are dissatisfied with your Tory for any reason during that period, please remember that you were the fool who voted him in. 

Care and Maintenance

Please follow the care instructions below in order to enjoy a long and frequently disappointing relationship with your Tory. 

Cleaning instructions: Your Tory can be cleaned using a damp cloth. But be careful about using solvents or strong spirits. When strong spirits or alcohol-based products are applied to your Tory your Tory may begin to bark or bray, and may be difficult to silence. An alcohol-affected Tory may emit noxious opinions, and should be treated with caution. 

Handling:  Your Tory is robust and can handle most knocks and bumps. However, please avoid shaking your Tory aggressively, so as to prevent the contents of your Tory’s liquid lunch ending up all over you. 

Avoid strong light:  Be careful about exposing your Tory to direct
sunlight. This can lead to the exposure of dark
secrets and the discovery of hypocrisy.

Servicing:  Your Tory need to be regularly serviced. Use only an accredited call-girl, rent-boy or other approved agent to ensure maximum performance.




Troubleshooting guide

My Tory will not work: Check to see whether your Tory has been switched to its born-to-rule setting. The born-to-rule setting will be indicated by insufferable arrogance and conceit. Despite having never in his life done a hard day’s labour, your Tory may while switched to born-to-rule begin opining loudly about the laziness of the lower classes.  If this occurs immerse your Tory in gin until the braying stops. 

My Tory is turning socialist: Some Tories have been known to exhibit socialist tendencies, but in most cases this will be temporary and will only last until the corporate bailout package he is supporting passes into law. But if socialist troubles continues after this you should ring our 0800 number, as your Tory may need to be replaced. 

My Tory has come into contact with evidence-based policy: Your Tory has a thick outer coat that will resist almost all forms of evidence. In the unlikely event that evidence should affect your Tory, please take your Tory to a Business Roundtable meeting for reprogramming.

My Tory is trying to buy a castle:  Your Tory has been switched to the UK region setting.

My Tory lacks empathy: This is normal. Your Tory’s lack of empathy will not affect its normal functions.