A Plea To Jim Hopkins

Dear Jim

I was thrilled to read your latest column in the NZ Herald. I’m a big fan of your work and I always enjoy reading your unique spin on the issues of the day.

On Friday I was delighted to discover you had stepped in to help all of humanity, by abolishing global warming. You wrote: “Global warming has left the building.”

I never suspected you had it in you. I don’t know how you did it, but I reckon it must be something to do with those craaaaaaaazy red-rimmed glasses you wear. Whatever they’re paying you at the Herald, they ought to double it!

So how did you do it? Please, please tell me, because I’ve been trying to fathom how only the day before global warming was recognised by the vast majority of climate scientists as a very real danger, and now it’s no longer even a threat.

Your astonishing intervention has left me racking my brains to find a scientific theory to explain this profound environmental change. Only after a pleasant lunch involving astounding volumes of vodka did I manage to come up with any sort of theory at all, though you’ll probably tell me I’m wrong once you hear it.

My theory is this: you have rescued us from environmental Armageddon by selflessly sucking up all the excess heat from the atmosphere, utilising the highly advanced technologies built into your spectacles. Thanks to your efforts we should soon expect a reduction in global temperatures.

If I’m right, then you really must be suffering. It can’t be comfortable with all that heat inside you, and I’m surprised you haven’t just burnt up. It’s no wonder you’ve releasing so much hot air through various orifices, because if you held on to all of it your head would eventually blow off. What astounds me is your continuing dedication to the wellbeing of humanity, even with all of that going on inside of you. You didn’t have to give us advance warning of your gas release events, but thanks to your scheduling we know to expect a blast of hot air every Friday. I appreciate the warning, and have decided to work four days a week from now on so I can stay at home on Fridays with my doors and windows closed.

If this isn’t how you did it, and if it wasn’t those craaaaaaaazy red-rimmed glasses combined with the awesome hot-air capacity of your lungs and posterior region, then the only other solution I can come up with is magic. I’m not a big believer in witchcraft and paranormal events, because to believe in something I usually need actual evidence. But in this situation there really isn’t any other explanation for how you could just decide one day that one of the world’s most intractable problems has vanished.

I’m not generally inclined towards religion, but this whole situation has left me questioning what is real and what isn’t, and wondering whether greater powers may be at play. I’ve even wondered if you might be Jesus, but you don’t much look like the pictures of the Messiah I’ve seen, which usually depict a man in robes and a beard, who generally isn’t wearing craaaaaaaazy red-rimmed glasses. Could you be some sort of minor god or other deity? You must be.

No doubt you’ll be too busy to read this letter, and I expect you’re already planning your next humanitarian effort. Your global warming trick did catch me off guard, so I don’t really want to speculate on what you may have planned next, although I expect it to be something big, like ending hunger or abolishing all crime. But if you do have a bit of spare time to exert some godly powers, may I put in my own modest request? I’ve attached to my letter a list of names of various people I know. I really am sorry that it’s such a long list, but I seem to know such an awful lot of people. If you get a chance, would you be so kind as to give them all a good smiting?

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