Blog Cheating Part Three

(I’m still in “can’t be bothered” territory with blogging, so here’s another post from earlier in the year. It’s a good reminder that someone should not publicly mock a political party only a couple of months before joining it. Oh well…)

Labour Looks To The Dead 

29 March 2011

Labour leader Phil Goff was under fire today, after admitting his party used psychics to help make important decisions.

The revelations came after footage appeared on TV1’s Close Up last night of a secret Labour frontbench session with a medium known as Madame Esmeralda.

Mr Goff admitted today that the party had consulted a number of psychic mediums, but he defended the move.

“We’re not closed-minded like some political parties,” said Mr Goff.

“This is about covering all bases as a party. We’d be foolish to go ahead and make decisions without considering all of the possible alternatives and potential ramifications.

“It’s all very well doing what we think is best for the country, but why not take heed of the voices of the dead? They’re a valuable resource.

“National’s vision for growing the economy is to mine national parks. With Labour we’re mining the vast knowledge of the deceased.”

Mr Goff confirmed he had been in recent dialogue with former leaders of the party, including Walter Nash and Michael Joseph Savage.

“I also had a number of discussions with Sir Geoffrey Palmer. I was surprised to discover later that he’s not actually dead.”

But Goff only admitted to talking to the dead after the footage appeared on Close Up.

The footage shows what appears to be a seance involving most of the Labour frontbench.

The visual quality of the footage is poor, but the voices on the tape are clear.

Early in the recording Madame Esmeralda says she is channelling the spirit of a lost soul known as David. She asks if anyone knows a David who has passed on recently.

Another woman’s voice, possibly Annette King’s, is clearly heard saying “It’s Lange! Speak to us! Save us! Tell us what we must do.”

Madame Esmeralda then speaks again: “David says there is a time of darkness ahead. A tough decision to make, and a person who stands in the way of progress.”

She then says, “possibly someone in this room here today. Is there a… a Paul or a Peter present?”

“But not a Phil?” the voice of the Labour leader is heard saying “Thank God. Are you sure the person standing in the way isn’t a David or an Andrew? We have quite a lot of potential David problems. We always have.”

Party president Andrew Little has also confirmed that he regularly consults a tarot card reader before making important decisions.

“I find consulting the cards to be extremely enlightening. It’s also about the only way I can find out what the Labour leader is up to.”

And in a startling twist, it was today revealed that acclaimed medium Bev Debber of the TV show Smelling Manslaughter was last week called in by Mr Little to consult on who killed the Labour Party’s prospects in the November election.

It is understood that Ms Debber was able to identify a grey-haired man in his mid-fifties, though she said he may have dyed his hair recently.

National Party MPs were quick to mock the moves by Labour. But Phil Goff was equally quick to defend the actions.

“You may think that consulting mediums and fortune tellers is about the craziest thing someone can do.

“But how else would you have us make policy? Consult Treasury officials? At least our fortune tellers occasionally get it right.”