Waitangi Day is the day on which we celebrate our nationhood.

However you choose to mark the day, I hope you make it a special one. Whether you plan on jostling and shoving strangers in public places, yelling abuse at passing delegations, or taunting people for being Uncle Tom figures, I hope you take time to appreciate the importance of this day in the history of our nation. A day when Maori and Pakeha came together in a spirit of amity and concord to sign a solemn agreement that bound two peoples.

We can’t all be at Waitangi today. But we can all, each and every one of us, mark the day in a special way.  We get to behave unpleasant towards each other every day of the year. But on Waitangi Day this unpleasantness is elevated to the status of national ritual.

So make it count. Go over to your neighbour’s house today, knock on their door and then, when they greet you with a smile, make sure you scream “you racist pig!” in their face. Cook a nice romantic dinner for your beloved, and then bombard them with invective and spittle, as you tell them that the natives should just stop whingeing and that they’re just lucky the British decided to sign a treaty with them rather than shoot them.

Ring your elderly parents to remind them that Maori have been subjected to decades of Pakeha oppression and then, when they express surprise and confusion, berate them for being so apathetic towards the struggle against colonialism.

Whether your day involves erecting protest banners, screaming “racist! racist!” at people you have never met and have only distantly perceived on television, or bitching on talkback radio about uppity natives, make sure you make the most of our national day.