Dear readers

I have decided to monetise this site, to cash in on my celebrity. I’ll start by offering a range of fabulous daily deals that you just won’t be able to resist!

First up, I have a great deal for you. Check out my new CURRENCY TRADING SERVICE!

It’s fast, it’s friendly, and best of all it’s SIMPLE!

All you have to do is send me a big bagful of cash. You can do that, can’t you? A great big bag full of notes. Not coins, because I can’t be doing with all that metal. I don’t care if it’s not your money. Your secret is safe with me, you gorgeous little thief!

In return, not only will I convert your money, I will even spend it for you! No more having to pay the rent or mortgage. Once I have taken your last cent you will find life in a cardboard box suits you very well.

Just let me know whether you’re buying or selling. It’s that simple! No paperwork, no fuss!

Here are my current exchange rates (updated randomly) for converting NZD to NZD:

I Buy $1.00:  $00.01*

I Sell $1.00:   $100,000.00**

* Plus administration fee of 15%, handling fee of $1000.00 for every $100 exchanged, and plus actual expenses incurred to bribe local officials to look the other way.

** Currency sold may or may not be Monopoly money.

Terms and Conditions: All currency trades are subject to the Imperator Fish Currency Trading Standard Terms and Conditions. To access these Terms and Conditions please write to:

Imperator Fish Currency Trading
The Large Wooden Box
The Alley Behind 54 Vlotnyoshk Lane
Bucharest 243-988
Romania

One lucky entrant will go into the draw to win a copy of my Terms and Conditions. Unsuccessful entrants will be notified by armed thugs turning up at your door in the middle of the night, who will beat you senseless and rob you blind.

I reserve the right to amend these Terms and Conditions without notice to you. By trading with me you agree that I can do anything I like with utter impunity. You indemnify me and hold me harmless against any and all losses, damages, costs, expenses and liabilities that I or any other person I nominate may incur or suffer at any time arising from basically anything. You also agree to sign over to me your car and your iPad, because I really want an iPad.

If you reside in a jurisdiction that allows human trafficking, then you grant to me a security interest over all of your dependants situated in that jurisdiction, and you agree to execute all instruments and to do all things that I may request at any time in order for me to take possession of those dependants and utilise them as slave labour.

By trading with me you agree to be bound by the laws of the Principality of Sealand. All disputes under these Terms and Conditions will be determined by the toss of a coin: heads I win, tails you lose.

Privacy policy: Rest assured that I take privacy very seriously. You will never track me down once I have all your money and women.

I will sell your personal information to fraudsters and disreputable mail-order companies. 

I can promise YOU WON’T GET THESE RATES AT ANY HIGH STREET EXCHANGE!

You’d be MAD not to take this offer up! Mad. Actually clinically insane. Utterly nuts. So off your rocker that your only hope for recovery would for intensive 24/7 psychiatric care and the administration of dozens of powerful prescription drugs.

So if you’re not in the grip of some profound psychosis, please send cash. And if you are, no problem! Send cash!