The Government has introduced into Parliament a series of amendments to the Immigration Act, in an effort to keep out illegal immigrants. 

John Key announced today that the law would be changed to put a stop to the influx of boatpeople and put an end to the massive crisis threatening to overwhelm New Zealand’s immigration system.

Officials have long been concerned about the potential threat to civilised society that illegal refugees pose.

Although no illegal refugee boats have ever reached New Zealand, the dangers posed to a nation of four and a half million people by a boatload of desperate and wretchedly poor brown people, assuming they survived the immense sea voyage here, is too dreadful for many to countenance.

Experts say that brown people often speak a language other than English, eat different foods, and engage in unusual religious practices.

It is feared that if even one refugee boat managed to somehow make it across thousands of kilometres of difficult seas, the few dozen ragged and desperate brown people that set foot on New Zealand shores would corrupt our morals, destroy our economy with their bludging, and speak all funny funny.

Medical authorities already have contingency plans in place in the event of a refugee boat landing.

Their modelling has shown that the country’s hospital system would quickly be overwhelmed in the event of a boat of brown people arriving here to make a better life, as radio talkback callers all around New Zealand went into sudden seizures, haemorrhaged, or experienced severe chest pains and panic attacks.

Medical plans to protect the population include the creation of special gated communities, and economic measures designed to encourage white people to look down in disdain at the minimum-wage immigrants serving their burgers or cleaning their office toilets.

Mr Key said that the law change was designed to make it tougher for some people to queue jump ahead of genuine applicants.

“Although it is likely that few, if any, refugee boats will ever reach New Zealand, we don’t want to be seen as a soft touch when it comes to immigration.” said Mr Key.

“This is about applying a consistent set of rules across the board. If people don’t like the rules we set down, then there are always alternatives for them. They can choose to settle in another country. Or they can do what some people do when they don’t like the law: pay us to change it.”