I thought I’d take a look at who might form the eighth Labour government, because it’s always interesting to speculate on our future leaders.

The next Labour government will be the sixth, so the eighth is a few years away. Possibly 20 or 30 years away. But already we are seeing the emergence of some future stars.

Leo Mahony

Leo’s Mum knew he was a very special boy from the day he was born. He was smarter than all the other kids, walked sooner, talked earlier, and started eating his solids at a much younger age. He’ll be three next week, and already he’s showing the attributes of a strong leader. You should see the way he bosses the other daycare kids around. His Mum reckons her beautiful boy will be PM one day, and she hates those National pricks, so it has to be Labour and, anyway, there’s no way Leo would ever hurt Mummy by turning to the dark side.

Michael Wood

I don’t care what Michael says. I reckon he doesn’t look a day over 18.

Lucy Nordgrout

The thing that makes Lucy such an obvious candidate for greatness is the fact that she has the perfect life story. Lucy was brought up on the wrong side of town and in indescribable poverty and squalor to an abusive mother and deadbeat p-smoking father, and people always said it would be a miracle if she didn’t end up on the street sniffing glue by the time she was twelve. To be fair, she’s not twelve yet, but if she does end up abusing the solvents then her rise into politics will be all the more remarkable. This kid has a compelling life story, so long as she can survive it.

Moana Te Whata

Moana was a feisty toddler, and at school she is giving her Year 1 teacher hell. She has the sort of attitude that will make her a feared opponent in the House, if she decides to enter politics at some point. Her full-on tantrums when she doesn’t get the ice cream flavour she wants are terrifying, If she can harness this power for good she may become a respected and formidable politician.

Rufus Finger

An ability with numbers that never ceases to amaze his kindy teachers means Rufus is destined to be the Eighth Labour Government’s finance minister. If he has a weakness it is his general lack of continence, which could cause embarrassment for any government he is a part of it he can’t get that problem under control.

Wayne Lamington

Captain of the school chess team at the age of twelve, leadership just comes naturally to Wayne. An A student so academically gifted that even the nerds hate him, Wayne is being beaten up so many times at school just for being who he is that in all probability he will eventually grow up with a love of the underdog and the oppressed, and this will draw him towards the politics of the left. However, Wayne’s enormous brain needs massive amounts of protein to function, and he will not get the red meat he needs if he attends Green Party conferences, so it will be Labour all the way. The alternative to a life of serving others is that Wayne will make enormous amounts of money as a gifted software developer, will become as obnoxious as he is wealthy, and will then begin to espouse the merits of objectivism.

Cecilia Chang

I wanted someone Chinese on the list, because lists like these need token ethnic diversity to hide the depressing fact that most politicians even in 20 years time will probably be white men. But Cecilia is a nice little girl, even if her parents are unbearable National supporters who donate large amounts to the party. They make me sick, so utterly sick that I can’t hold my food down sometimes. It would break their hearts were she to join a leftist party, so we have to do everything we can to push her up the Labour list when the time comes, just so I can see the tears in the eyes of her father’s face. Obviously not yet, because she’s only four. But will you do this for me when the time comes?

Marcelo Zimmerman

What a total shit this little boy is. A total little shit. Won’t sit still, won’t do what he’s told, and always rolling in the mud. The next Trevor Mallard?

Trevor Mallard

Actually, Trev will probably still be there.