Everyone’s favourite libertarian authoritarian returns with a hard-hitting column

I don’t watch a lot of Parliament TV, because I find my days are full enough as it is. It’s all too easy to lose oneself for up to half a day browsing through the Solo Passion site, so what I don’t need are more distractions.

But I have been watching some of the debates on Parliament TV over National’s asset sales legislation, if only to confirm in my own mind how low our political system has fallen. Asset sales are a no-brainer, and every respectable economist that I agree with concurs. Instead of debating whether to sell down 49% of four power companies we should be flogging everything off and distributing the money back to the people.

Some people say the money should go back to the taxpayers from whom it was stolen in the first place, but I can’t agree with this approach. Thanks to some nifty accounting I haven’t paid any taxes for the last five years, so what would be the benefit to me of such a scheme? Remember, don’t call it selfishness: I’m exercising enlightened self-interest.

National are right to be turning their guns on Labour, and the appalling and inconsistent record the socialists have when it comes to government. This Labour crowd are responsible for some of the worst catastrophes to befall the human race in the last one hundred years.

If you think I am engaging in hyperbole, then that’s probably because you’re evil. In any case, you’ll be convinced when you understand better just a couple of the many outrages these Labour folk have been directly responsible for.

World War Two

This was quite simply the worst and ghastliest event in the history of humanity, and it happened on Labour’s watch.

Not only did we find ourselves involved in a destructive and costly war that claimed thousands of Kiwi lives, but we declared war! And for what? To prevent some Central European people exercising their own form of enlightened self-interest.

Socialist historians will probably try to claim New Zealand played only a minor part in that war, but of course they would say that. Don’t believe a word they say!

And don’t listen to the current Labour bunch when they tell you they’re not to blame because they weren’t even born when the war took place. How convenient! Deliberately shirking the war by not being born just to avoid looking bad is cowardly, and it shows disrespect towards all our brave servicemen who fought in that conflict.

I am so disgusted by Labour’s vile behaviour that I am quite literally filled with vomit. Excuse me for a moment.

Now I am no longer filled with vomit. However, I now have a new problem. Thanks to the socialists and their oppressive minimum wage legislation, I cannot afford a cleaner, and now I don’t know who’s going to clean this mess I’ve made. I fear I may have to kidnap another woman.

The Anti-Smacking Legislation

This ghastly piece of social engineering is possibly the most tragic thing to befall civilisation since the failure of the Crusades, and it happened during the despotic reign of Helen Clark. It will bring about the downfall of society.

It’s true that five years after this odious piece of law was passed society has not in fact collapsed, but don’t be fooled into thinking no bad will come of it. I give it another eighteen months before we’re all living in rubbish heaps, forced to eat the maggot-riddled bodies of our loved ones just to survive.

The new law has forced me to change the way I behave towards kids, and as an authoritarian libertarian I am not favourably disposed towards anything that inconveniences me in any way. I don’t have children of my own, but I now worry about being in a public place and feeling the urge to smack a child, because it seems most of the defences I might once have relied upon in such an event (boredom, amusement etc) have been taken away from me.

However, I’m told by my lawyer (and he’s become very knowledgeable on crimes of violence against the vulnerable since representing me) that I’m still permitted to use the stern hand of chastisement for the purposes of preventing a child from engaging or continuing to engage in offensive or disruptive behaviour. I will remember this if I ever see children present at a socialist protest rally.

So now we know the evil history of the Labour opposition, why would we listen to a single thing they say on asset sales? Remember when you next see one of their red “No Asset Sale” posters that they probably painted it using the blood of kittens.