The Rockets Are Primed

All this seismic activity reminds me for no particular reason that all the worst and most despicable super-villains live underneath volcanoes.

If I were a megalomaniac with delusions of grandeur, who just happened to have a team of rocket scientists working for me, I wouldn’t be able to go past White Island. The place looks so nasty and inhospitable that it just cries out for some insane power-crazed madman to take possession of it, and install a huge dungeon, an underground airpstrip, a wall of TV screens, and a swimming pool filled with sharks.

But it takes serious cash for that kind of thing. Being a villain is one thing, but pay your people below the minimum wage and you’ll have the Labour Department all over you. Those rocket scientists and security goons don’t come cheap, and then there’s all the gear: weapons, boiler suits, and food for the cat.

Even if you can find all the cash, and you manage to find an island volcano that some reptilian monster has not already claimed, your work is not yet done. You see, there’s a lot of racism and prejudice within the villain community. They don’t accept black people or women, and if you’re not from central or eastern Europe your only hope is if you can pull off a posh accent. When was the last time you heard a super-villain speaking in a Geordie or Spanish accent? They’re very particular about who they’ll allow in their club.

When you look at all the barriers in the way, it’s a wonder that anyone manages to achieve true villainy. We probably tend to focus on the negatives, but villains are actually productive members of society. They employ people, and make use of resources in inhospitable locations that would otherwise go unused. Their scientific advances, especially in the fields of lasers, rocketry and chemicals, have the potential to help all of mankind, even if their immediate goal is usually to hold the entire planet to ransom.

I know these people often tend to be vicious psychopaths, but who can honestly claim to be perfect?

I really think it’s time our politicians cut these guys some slack. The current regulatory regime makes it extraordinarily difficult for someone to start an innovative murderous criminal business involving rockets and other bizarre weapons of mass destruction. The Crimes Act is so full of red tape that it’s a wonder anyone even bothers to try.

It’s high time something was done about this pressing issue. As Edmund Burke might have said, all that is necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to die painfully while strapped to a slowly-moving instrument of torture in the underground volcanic chamber of a megalomaniac madman.

Please, please, lobby your local MP on this issue. It’s critical that our politicians respond. Because if lobbying doesn’t work we shall have no choice but to release our rockets.