Minister Contemplates Bain Options

David Bain’s compensation bid hit a major snag, after questions were raised about a judge’s report on his innocence.

Justice Ian Binnie’s report determined that David Bain was innocent on the balance of probabilities of the murder of his family.

However, a review of that report by Robert Fisher QC has identified a number of issues and errors.

According to Fisher’s review, Binnie’s report is flawed, and Fisher has listed a number of errors and inconsistencies in the report.

Of greatest concern is the fact that the report was not written in a Times New Roman size 12 font.

Justice Binnie said he had now read Fisher’s review, but was not concerned with the review’s findings.

“Jealous haters make me smile, they spend their life cloning my style,“ said Justice Binnie. “They got nothing better to do with their time than to try copy my rhyme.”

He said he was not prepared to say silent while attacks continued to be made on his reputation.

“You think you’re even in the same class? You better back the f**k up, before I bust a cap in your ass”, said Justice Binnie.

Meanwhile David Bain has expressed disappointment at what seems likely will be a further delay in determining his compensation bid.

He said he had spent enough time looking backwards, and he just wanted to get on with his life.

“I’ve spent a lifetime looking for you, single bars and good time lovers, never true,” said Mr Bain.

“Playing a fools game, hoping to win. Telling those sweet lies and losing again.

“I was looking for love in all the wrong places, looking for love in too many faces. Searching your eyes, looking for traces of what I’m dreaming of,” said Mr Bain.

“Hopin’ to find a friend and a lover. God bless the day I discover another heart, lookin’ for love.”

Justice Minister Judith Collins has not ruled out commissioning yet another report on David Bain, but she will be mindful of the potential risk to the community if a subsequent judge determines David Bain innocent on a balance of probabilities.

A disturbing rumbling has been heard from some of the many thousands of self-appointed David Bain experts located throughout the country, as people contemplate the possibility that Bain might yet get some money. Fears are growing that a further determination of innocence would lead to an ugly eruption.

For this reason Collins may choose not to commission another legal report, but to instead hire a team of conjurers, magicians, witch-doctors and shamans, in the hope that one of them can make David Bain just disappear.