Yet another day in the life of Patrick Gower

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6:33 am

It’s dark under here. My legs are numb and I really need to pee. I’m not sure how much longer I can hold on.

But then I imagine the priceless look on his face and I just let go. This story is bigger than me, and way bigger than my bursting bladder.

I’ll tell the cameraman to film above my waistline.

Mental note: wear a diaper next time.

6:48 am

I can hear movement. Lights. He’s awake!

God, I think I’m stuck! “Help me!” I cry forlornly, hoping my camera crew will rescue me. Someone grabs my left leg and pulls me from under the bed. I’m free.

Gotcha! My god, he looks dishevelled. He’s staring at me in horror. The woman in his bed looks mortified.

“Get out Get out!” screams David Shearer. We retreat to the ensuite, locking the door.

6.52 am

We have regrouped. We burst free, and I thrust a microphone into his face. I demand to know why he refuses to be straight up with the New Zealand public.

“This is my bedroom! Get out!” he yells.

“And who is this woman?” I cry gleefully. Have I just uncovered an enormous sex scandal? Is David Shearer cheating on his wife? Is his contempt for the institution of marriage a symptom of some deeper problem with women? Could this be driving his opposition to the man-ban?

“This woman is my wife!” the Labour leader screams back. “Anuschka , call the police!”

Getting the cops to do his dirty work now. He’s a goneburger.

7:48 am

Easy! Easy! This suit is worth more than you earn in a month, plod.

9:22 am

I expect we’ve been arrested here because of all those hard-hitting GCSB stories we ran. The fools think they can silence the press. Don’t they watch 3 News? When have I ever backed away from a fight?

They claim we were arrested because we broke into David Shearer’s house. Yeah, right!

They don’t even have free WiFi in this place. Can you believe it?

2:18 pm

I get a call on my mobile after our bail has been sorted out. It’s my secret source within the Labour Party caucus.

This guy knows the score. He says it’s all on. Shearer’s gone, he tells me. The numbers are being done as we speak. Watch this space, he says.

I trust my secret source. This source is so secret that even I don’t know who he is.

4:15 pm

Just heard that the military have seized power and that tanks are rolling through Lambton Quay. This is very bad news for David Shearer. He isn’t answering my calls any more. His press secretary tells me he has been detained by the military and is under house arrest.

As excuses go it’s pretty feeble. If Shearer thinks he can make the man-ban story go away just by being arrested he’s got another thing coming.

This story is definitely leading the news tonight.