After a late Saturday night, Tony Abbott yesterday enjoyed a quiet and low-key day, as he came to terms with being Australia’s next prime minister.
Abbot started the day with a bicycle ride in his Warringah electorate, but he stopped along the way to chat to locals, and to steal the handbag of an old woman walking to the shops.
At the end of his ride Abbott had coffee at a busy café, where he was the star attraction, and where he stabbed three people who asked him how he intended to pay for his campaign promises.
After a quick stop at his home to change clothes and wash away the blood, Abbott spent the rest of the morning in church with his wife.
“It was a very big night, but this is just the start of another normal day and there’s going to be a fair bit of solid work this morning,” he told reporters as he snorted cocaine from the church altar.
“I am very conscious of the fact that opposition leaders are tribal chiefs but prime ministers have to be national leaders,” Abbott said, launching a kick at one of the altar boys.
“You have to govern for everyone, including the people that didn’t vote for you and the people who probably won’t ever support you. That’s the nature of the job,” said Abbott, as he finished urinating on the churchgoers in the front row.
Mr Abbott acknowledged that he would have to change his style of leadership, now that he was in charge of a nation.
“I can’t promise that everyone will like everything that I do,” said Abbott after the service, and as he stopped to chat to attendants at a nearby petrol station.
“But I will always do my best for Australia,” Abbott told reporters, as he filled a can full of petrol, drove to the nearest primary school, and doused one of the buildings with the flammable liquid.
“Look, I understand that some people didn’t vote for me and didn’t want me to have the job,” Abbott said as he lit a match and watched an entire block of the school explode in flames.
“But I intend to be a prime minister for all Australians. I promise to do what is right, to keep this country great.”
Abbott said he would not be afraid to take bold and decisive action when necessary, as he wrestled a gun from one of his protection officers and started firing into a group of nearby onlookers.
Voters in Abbott’s Warringah electorate said they had mixed views on his victory.
“I wasn’t thrilled with the win, to be honest with you,” said local man Nelson Desilva.
“I voted for Abbott, even though I don’t particularly like what he stands for, and I especially don’t like his attitude towards women,” said Mr Desilva as members of Abbot’s entourage made efforts to stem the flow of blood coming from the bullet wound in his stomach.
“But at least he’s not Kevin Rudd. Thank God that prick’s gone.”