John Key has denied being a shapeshifting reptilian alien ushering humanity towards enslavement.

Well of course he would! He was hardly going to admit it, was he?

Key says he’s been examined by a doctor and even a vet, and of course the MSM have bought his story, not willing for a moment to entertain any possibility that their hero is a monstrous bloodsucking alien murderer. So which doctor? Which vet? Why have the test results not been released?

And who examined the vet? Were these so-called experts genuinely independent, or were they members of the same nefarious extra-terrestrial gang?

I’ve had enough of these space reptiles and their evil cynical ways. They creep into the halls of power, they take over our major companies, and they seize control of important institutions like the Reserve Bank and the Privacy Commission. Yes, John Edwards, I know what you’re up to!

Well I’ve had enough. It’s time to say “no more!”

Only one thing will satisfy me. Mr Key, I demand that you submit to a full battery of medical tests, many of them invasive and extremely unpleasant. How else can we be sure you’re human?

No, wait, that won’t work. What if the people conducting these tests are also members of the shadowy conspiracy? How can we be certain unless the testers are also tested? And then who would test the testers’ testers?

No, we have to assume that no matter what John Key says or does, there will always be a risk that he is in fact a reptile. We simply cannot trust any test results he or his supposed experts might adduce in his favour.

So what do we do? Well, we can’t leave him in charge, can we? But we’re a democracy. How do we remove someone who won’t go? But if the prime minister of the day isn’t even a human being, then surely he has no right to be in Parliament. So does that mean we’re entitled to remove him by force?

And who would we put in his place? What if the entire National Party caucus are reptilian shapeshifters?  I’m almost certain that Colin King is. That guy is pure malevolent evil. I’m sure of it. I mean, I’ve never met the guy, but he just has that look. That “hey, look at me, I’m a nasty space lizard hiding out in the shell of a meek and mild little human, ha ha ha!” look. You know it’s true.

We also have to ask whether any of our opposition politicians are any better. Look at Winston. He’s been hiding out underneath that human skin for so long that it’s gone all wrinkly (which, interestingly, seems to indicate that their skin suits can’t be ironed).

But if we can’t trust any of them, who will rule us?

Or is the theory that John Key is secretly a space lizard itself a conspiracy theory put out there by space lizards? They’re clever, those reptiles. I wouldn’t put it past them to do something so devious. In that case, maybe the answer is to take John Key at his word. After all, if the reptilians want us to think that John Key is one of them, chances are he’s not.

I’m not sure what any of this means. But I know it’s some messed up heavy shit, and it’s high time the MSM started to dig for facts. Do you job, news media!

But that’s not going to happen. For starters, I’m pretty sure Patrick Gower is one of Them. I’m also beginning to suspect that John Armstrong is their leader.

The only one in the media I ever trusted was Geoff Robinson. But come 1 April he’s going too, if indeed the person co-presenting Morning Report even is the real Geoff Robinson.

They get everyone in the end. They even got me a few months back.