John Key: Portrait of a Saint

Selected extracts from the new biography of our greatest man.


John Key and his Cabinet, 2011

The early years

And the angel Gabriel was sent from God unto a city of New Zealand named Auckland, to a woman espoused to a man whose name was George, of the house of Key; and the woman’s name was Ruth.

And the angel came unto her, and said, Hail, thou that art highly favoured, the Lord is with thee: blessed art thou among women.

And when she saw him, she was troubled at his saying, and cast in her mind what manner of salutation this should be.

And the angel said unto her, Fear not, Ruth: for thou hast found favour with God.

And, behold, thou shalt conceive in thy womb, and bring forth a son, and shalt call his name JOHN KEY. And he shall reign over New Zealand forever; and of his kingdom there shall be no end.

The Merrill Lynch years

Then was John Key led up of the Spirit into the halls of Merrill Lynch to be tempted of the devil.

And when the tempter came to him, he said, If thou be the Son of God, command that these currencies be traded for profit.

But he answered and said, It is written, Man shall not live by profit alone, for he also needeth golf.

Then the devil taketh him up into the holy city, and setteth him on a pinnacle of the temple as CEO of their foreign exchange division.

He enters politics in NZ

And Michelle of Boag spake to him, saying:

The people of Helensville are in darkness, for they are in the shadow of Brian Neeson.

And at first no-one listened, for a camel might sooner fit through the eye of a needle than wise words should come from Michelle of Boag’s mouth.

But leaving New York, Key came to New Zealand and dwelt in Parnell, which is upon the sea coast and in excellent school zones.

And Key saith unto the National Party members in Helensville Follow me, for though I live in Parnell I will rid you of that useless Neeson.

And the National Party members in Helensville followed Key. And it came to pass that Key was anointed MP for Helensville, amidst much wailing and gnashing of teeth by Brian Neeson’s supporters.

He becomes National Party leader

There was a man sent from God whose name was Don Brash. He came as a witness to testify concerning that light, so that through him all might believe. He himself was not the light; he came only as a witness to the light. The true light that gives light to everyone was in the world, but the world did not recognise him.

And Don testified concerning him. He cried out, saying, He is the one who comes after me, the laces of whose shoes I am not worthy to untie. Still, I wouldn’t mind a decent portfolio, John.

But Key commanded him, saying, Get ye gone from the house of National, for you’ve had your turn.

He becomes Prime Minister

And John Key went about all the land, preaching the gospel of the market, and healing all manner of sickness and all manner of disease among the people.

And there followed him great multitudes of people from Auckland and Wellington, and from Hamilton, and from Christchurch, and from Invercargill, and even from Maungakiekie.

And his fame went throughout all New Zealand: and they brought unto him all sick people that were taken with divers diseases and torments, and those which were possessed with devils, and those which were Don Brash supporters; and he healed them.

His first Budget

And seeing the multitudes, he went up into parliament: and when he was set, his disciples came unto him.

And he opened his mouth, and told them his Budget, saying,

Blessed are the poor: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. God will look after them, so there’s no need for us to bother.

Blessed are those on the make: for they shall inherit the earth.

Blessed are they which do hunger and thirst after tax cuts: for their pockets shall be filled.

Blessed are the merciless: though they obtained mercy when they fell on hard times themselves.

Blessed are Gerry and the Pacemakers, although I’m a Coldplay man myself.

Blessed are they which are persecuted for the right’s sake: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

Blessed are ye, when men shall revile you, and persecute you, and shall say all manner of evil against you. But we need you guys in ACT, so stay strong.

Rejoice, Rodney, and be exceeding glad: for great will be your reward in my government: though the people of Epsom shall suffer for it.

Ye are the light of the world. A city that is set on an hill cannot be hid, because once we’ve amended the Resource Management Act all the trees blocking the view will be gone.

Neither do men light a candle, and put it under a bushel, but on a candlestick; and it giveth light unto all that are in the house. But that’s only the ones who can’t afford electricity, and they probably don’t vote for us anyway.

Let your light so shine before men, that they may see our brighter future, and glorify the National Party which is in power.

Think not that I am come to destroy the law, or the profits: I am not come to destroy, but to sell.

For verily I say unto you, I’m fairly relaxed about the whole thing, actually.

The 2011 election campaign

And a time of great trial came.

And Don Brash returned from exile; and Key commanded Don Brash, saying, Go to the lost sheep of the house of ACT. And as ye go, preach, saying, The kingdom of heaven is at hand. Raise the dead, cast out the devils, and give John Banks a call.

And, behold, there came a member of the Young Nats with terrible acne and worshipped him, saying, Lord, if thou wilt, thou canst make me clean.

And Key put forth his hand, and touched him, saying, I will; use this Clearasil and be thou clean. And immediately his acne was cleansed.

And Key saith unto him, go thy way, and show thyself to the public in this blue “I’m a Key person” t-shirt”. Pray that it may disguise your lack of empathy.

And when Key was entered into McGehan Close, there came unto him a resident of the street, beseeching him,

And saying, Lord, you promised a brighter future for us all when you were in Opposition.

And Key saith unto him, just give me another three years and everything will be better.

2012 and beyond

teamkeyAnd, behold, there arose a great tempest in the media, insomuch that the party was covered with scandal: but he was asleep.

And his disciples came to him, and awoke him, saying, Lord, save us: we perish.

And he saith unto them, Why are ye fearful, O ye of little faith? Then he arose, and rebuked the media, and set the police on some of them, and there was a great calm for many months.

But the men marvelled, saying, What manner of man is this, that even the New Zealand Herald obeys him!