The trouble with liars


Liar 1: I’m fed up with all of these lies. For the good of the cause, it’s time for Liar 2 to come clean.

Liar 2: Excuse me? I have done nothing wrong.

Liar 1: You have lied to the people of New Zealand.

Liar 2: No I haven’t. Stop lying.

Liar 1: I’m not lying. You are.

Liar 2: That’s a bit rich coming from you. You’re always lying.

Liar 1: That’s a lie, and you know it!

Liar 2: I don’t have to listen to these lies. My version of events is backed up by Liar 3.

Liar 1: But Liar 3 is a notorious liar.

Liar 2: So are you.

Liar 3: I have told only the truth. Keep my name out of this. This is just a dirty smear campaign by Liar 1 to drag my name down into the mud.

Liar 1: Ha! Now who’s the liar?

Liar 2: Stop! We’re tearing ourselves apart here, and the only winners out of this will be David Cunliffe and Winston Peters. Let’s agree not to lie to each other, at least until we work out a story to deal with this mess.

Liar 1: Are you proposing a moratorium on dishonesty?

Liar 2: That’s exactly what I’m proposing. I promise not to lie to you for the next hour.

Liar 1: But how do I know you’re not lying when you say you won’t lie to me?

Liar 3: It’s alright, Liar 1. I can tell when Liar 2 is lying.

Liar1: Can you really? Is that true?

Liar 3: Watch this… Liar 2, were you telling the truth just now?

Liar 2: Of course.

Liar 3: See? Didn’t I tell you? Did you see his lips moving just then? That’s his tell.

Liar 2: It’s a fair cop.

Liar 1: But how can I trust you both? You’ve been working together, and this could be just another trick to make me think you’re lying when you’re not.

Liar 2: I haven’t been working with Liar 3. He does his own thing. I can’t control anything he does.

Liar 3: That’s true.

Liar 1: But you just claimed Liar 2 lies every time he moves his lips, so how can what he now says be true? Unless you were lying before. Or perhaps you’re lying now. You can’t have been lying on both occasions, so which one is it?

Liar 2: Or maybe I was telling the truth on both occasions.

Liar 3: You don’t expect us to believe that, do you? Everyone lies. Everyone cheats. It’s politics. I lie all the time, so I assume everyone else does too.

Liar 1: I don’t lie.

Liar 3: But that’s a lie.

Liar 1: Okay, suppose you’re right and I admit that I am always lying.

Liar 2: Look out, Liar 3! Liar 1 is trying to be sneaky. If he admits that he always lies, then he must be lying, therefore it can’t be true that he’s a liar. It’s a trick!

Liar 1: You liar!

Liar 3: This is a waste of time. We are so busy lying that we’ll never get our stories straight. I guess this is what happens when lying becomes second nature. Let’s just admit that we’re fucked.

Liar 2: Only because you lied.

Liar 3: You lied first.

Liar 2: True.